07-14-2006, 12:07 AM
Well, as you thought, this story is somewhat better than "Price of Dishonesty", but it's still riddled with flaws...
For one thing, you leave one question unresolved -- who won the bet the Digimon were making? You don't tell us that, nor does it even seem to matter in the end. A lot of the errors are semantic or grammatical, but the plot also feels a bit weak, even for a Takari which seems to incorporate the common Anti-Veemon/Davis attitude that they'd resort to violence to get Kari/Gatomon found in many Takari stories.
A few small points on your Takari lemon scene, though...
(1) Kari would probably have seen Tai's penis at some point. Not only are they siblings, but they share a bedroom.
(2) Virginal females don't really have it any easier to reach orgasm than slutty or experienced females, and in fact those more used to it would have it easier. Sort of the opposite of men.
(3) Kari sucks dick like a pro, which shouldn't be happening if this is really her first time. Likewise with Takeru licking her out.
More to come after work, but I need to get on my way. I'll even do a more in-depth review then...
For one thing, you leave one question unresolved -- who won the bet the Digimon were making? You don't tell us that, nor does it even seem to matter in the end. A lot of the errors are semantic or grammatical, but the plot also feels a bit weak, even for a Takari which seems to incorporate the common Anti-Veemon/Davis attitude that they'd resort to violence to get Kari/Gatomon found in many Takari stories.
A few small points on your Takari lemon scene, though...
(1) Kari would probably have seen Tai's penis at some point. Not only are they siblings, but they share a bedroom.
(2) Virginal females don't really have it any easier to reach orgasm than slutty or experienced females, and in fact those more used to it would have it easier. Sort of the opposite of men.
(3) Kari sucks dick like a pro, which shouldn't be happening if this is really her first time. Likewise with Takeru licking her out.
More to come after work, but I need to get on my way. I'll even do a more in-depth review then...