07-22-2006, 02:44 AM
Marine Wrote:With all do respect Wisemon, in my view, Crimson's craft would have my better scores. And all do respects Nate and Herr Mullen and DMX for bringing this up after the contest.But I realized my critiques contrast differently than yours. Maybe it's because we have different judging motifs, or something that makes our reviews unique, and am thankful for that (no offense).
->That said, this story has no plot. I can't explain it any better. There's no conflict with the protagonist, just like in the movie, and if there was its transparent. Maybe Wisemon can help point me out in the right direction?
The plot is the sequence of events. The conflict is between old reliable Jyou and the almost too sincere for her own good diva of Mimi. Not all stories involve epic battles of good and evil. Think of the story of how you and your last girlfriend got together (assuming you had a last girlfriend). Is there conflict? Not in the typical sense of a battle, but it's still there.
No plot is like saying that a biography has no plot. It is there, but it's different from what most fiction is about. This is part of what makes stories like Forrest Gump so different from most of the Hollywood stories. The plot is Jyou's purpose in telling the story, as well as what he perceived happening during it.
Possible spoilers for those who haven't read it:
The plot is that Jyou is a fairly normal person living life, when something unexpected happens. A run-in with an old friend brings him to encounter the past, and gives him the chance to straighten up some misconceptions. The first sub-plot is a subtle interpersonal conflict, archetypically showing us the Knight (honorable) vs. the Whore (lustful). The conflict is resolved not with a blatant victory, but with the Knight withdrawing from the Whore's presence.
And then we return to the main plot. Not an exciting one, because it is so typical, and normal and casual. The story progresses with realistic actions into the second sub-plot. This time it's not the archetypes of Knight and Whore, we are presented with, but a more blatant conflict when it occurs. The Nerd and the Diva might be a way to put it. I almost see traces of Shakespeare here, in the Sly and the Lord from Taming of the Shrew, however in this case the Sly does not subscribe to the words of the Lord or his servants. In a high school setting, the prep girl may try to use the nerd as a tool, to make her Jock boyfriend jealous. When older, this behaviour would be a diva, and in this story she is using him as a tool to make her look more down to earth.
The subplot develops when Jyou learns this and sets up his own plot by attacking what she's doing with him. His plot is to use his true feelings about this to attack Mimi. We don't see his hunt through songs and lyrics, and we don't see him plotting or taking joy in how he's going to attack her. But we know, at least some of it is there. This ends with what the Nerd thinks to be a victory, because what he does makes the Diva upset. But in the grand scheme, he only disturbed one show, in a small area.
And then in the main plot, we see him trying to catch up with Sora. He gives us his words of wisdom as she prepares to leave, and then is left with only his internal conflict. He's been waiting for so long already, waiting a little longer can't be that big of a deal.
You write war stories, right, Marine? A war story isn't about the war. It's about the soldiers, the participants in the war. This story isn't about the action, but the person involved in it. The plot displayed throughout is a subtle type rather than a blatant one, but this is too much of a story to lack a plot. Some people may not see it for what it is, but it is still there.
I think the biggest factor in my scoring was the uniqueness of this story. Most people don't write fanfiction with this sort of character-focused style at all, let alone sexual stories. The plot isn't centered on epic battles that are against difficult odds, but around two people struggling with their personal differences. I don't feel any part of it was poorly written, but that it was all written in exactly the way it needed to be. The sex was written in the only way that would not compromise the story as a whole, which is the defining point of a story with sex compared to a sex story.
I do, however, respect your opinion. If you PM me with the scores you would have given "Gump", I can post what the scores would have been had your scores all gotten in on time. It may be possible yours could have thrown Wisemon into second place, or given us a draw. That said, your scores weren't in on time, so we can't too well change that now, although the What If machine is always up for a spin.