08-07-2006, 08:44 AM
PokePimp Wrote:Herr Mullan... I've changed the beginning to the Sorrow & Joy series... Do you think it's better?
My name has an "e" in it. Your spelling, phoneticly, suggests to me that I'm a girl posing as a man in the Chinese army as the Mongol Hordes invade my homeland in a Disney fantasy epic.
I don't like the look of that first semicolon. "One rub their eyes in disbelief" isn't very good. It'd be more along the lines of "One rub one's eyes in disbelief", or "It'd make you rub your eyes in disbelief".
Bad, bad author! Say it after me: "New speakers need new paragraphs!" Also, I know the board doesn't allow for indents, but I'd like to point out that they are needed when this is published on the site. Again, "Her name discovered": did she not know it beforehand? I've commented on that, before. Tenses are fixed, though.
I'd like to point out that doors sway inward. Better for defence.
I'd seperate the part with the king and where we rejoin the two with a larger gap.
"That now" brings us into the present tense. You'd had better say "...A place that only existed in his memories." You've been using past perfectly well, up to now.
Fun comedic interlude, however you need to either tell us that they are shown to the room, or, again, use a larger gap.
From a small sofa, which is not usually positioned near an enterence, you would not be able to usualy grab a sword. What odd decisions these innkeepoers make when decorating.
I'm not a fan of that final paragraph. It's too chaotic.
Other than that, my original praises still stand.