08-02-2006, 12:39 PM
This is an old yet new story. I just went through these opening sections, and will share more of the story, though not all of it, on here. This is a completely original fiction based upon a fantasy world of my design. I hope you will understand that I can't insert story-breaking descriptions of some of the words in here, but if you are curious, I will be glad to share decriptions if asked.
I would like feedback on every aspect of this story. It is a fantasy adventure story, set in a military-style training camp. The particulars of this story are somewhat inspired by experiences I had, or dreamed of, at summer camp when I was younger. Anyway... please enjoy, and don't hesistate to ask questions or provide constructive feedback. The story has a long way to go, but it's one of my ultimate expressions of my ideas on paper, far more so than any fan-fiction will ever be.
[quote]
I would like feedback on every aspect of this story. It is a fantasy adventure story, set in a military-style training camp. The particulars of this story are somewhat inspired by experiences I had, or dreamed of, at summer camp when I was younger. Anyway... please enjoy, and don't hesistate to ask questions or provide constructive feedback. The story has a long way to go, but it's one of my ultimate expressions of my ideas on paper, far more so than any fan-fiction will ever be.
[quote]
At the end of a dusty road, in the middle of a desert, there lies an oasis. This oasis has allowed for a self-sustaining military camp to be built, for it is actually a series of oases -- more than a dozen of them -- so well spaced that a thriving forest exists within the Desert of Yorugin on the continent of Atrusia. This forest is home to the most famous military-style camp on the world, Camp Black, where parents of all races send their children to learn.
"You behave yourself here Jason," said the man standing next to a cart. "I need you to promise that you'll keep Nethan out of trouble."
"All right, Dar," said the youth, his once blond hair turning brown as he grew up. "Still, I can't see why'd he'd want to get in trouble here. Or how."
"He has his ways, and a tendency to get caught," Dar laughed. "But make sure you don't get in serious trouble either, all right?"
"No trouble, Dar. After all, I have a friend here with me, right Tomodak?"
"That's right," said the orc, his otherwise clean skin gleaming with an oily secretion. The green was almost hideous, especially with the seilb, but Jason knew it was only a phase. Within a month, his friend would essentially have a natural armor, much like an insect. "I just wish that this stuff would harden faster," Tomodak said. "It may not look it, but it itches like I have a swarm of bludbugs biting me." He scratched at his left arm, dropping his heavy bag on the older man's foot. "Sorry Jason's father," he said as he watched the expression of pain. "I didn't mean to hurt you."
"It is no trouble, Tomodak," Dar said, lifting the bag. "But one would think you've a gelshrin in there."
The orc scowled at the mention of the sacred weapon. He took the bag, then laughed off the scowl, not wanting to reveal too much. "I just tried to get as much in there as I could." He'd made it look that way, leaving barely anything in his more manageable pack, so no one would get too suspicious.
As the group split ways, the next cart came up. A young woman stepped out, dressed in brown leather. Her auburn hair was bound back and a bow was slung over her shoulder. Her clothing was cut in a foreign style which Jason barely recognized. As she pulled out a trunk, he whispered to his friend.
"Tomodak! That's a Hellwood Elf! I thought the only people who came here were locals, not mainlanders."
"Ignorance, it must be bliss my friend," Tomodak said, shaking his head in mock disgust. With his two bags, he headed off to find their cabin. "Yew Number 2," he said, reciting the number from the card. Jason followed him, while Nethan, in a higher class, had gone on ahead for his cabin.
"That boy," Ferein whispered, holding her trunk on her shoulder. "I did not realize he would be here, else I would have come in another season." She shuddered, then looked once more at the card, reading it softly to herself. "Bunking is not based upon gender or age, but experience in the camp. Ferein Moonstar, you have been assigned to Cabin Yew 2. Your bunkmate will be Lurleya Kelwiin, a forest elf raised by Adin foster parents, who found her."
A young blond elf was approaching her, female by the looks, although dressed in a fashionably Julinian Adin style. She wore a single piece dress, and carried four bags, rather than a trunk or pack. Her hair was bound back, but in the braids of a farmer, not those of a huntress or a warrior, or even the style of a mage. Her eyes were hidden by the layers of shadow, but they weren't important to Ferein.
"Are you Ferein Moonstar," the girl said, a crack in her voice, and a glint in her eye.
[By the gods! This girl could seduce any of the men here!] Ferein refrained from her instinctive reaction, and instead held her right hand, which wasn't supporting the trunk, up to her chin. For a moment more she studied the girl, then simply raised her head, sticking the chin out slightly. "Who asks after her?"
"Her," the girl choked on the words, not knowing what to say. With a start, she gasped in some air, then gave a name. "Kelwiin. Lurleya Kelwiin."
"Am I to understand that you are Lurleya Kelwin?"
"It's Kelwiin," the girl said, emphasizing the long sounds. "Not Kelwin. And yes, I am."
"Yes, I am indeed Ferein. Shall we go to our cabin?"
Just a moment passed, but to both it seemed like an eternity. Lurleya picked up her bags, slung them over her shoulder, then headed off. Ferein, not to be outdone, followed just after the girl. "Swlm," she muttered, noting how Lurleya reacted to the men around her. [No wonder at her name. Why must I be caged with this seducer and that boy, with his strange friend? I cannot know, but I am certain the gods have a purpose to this, and I will find it.]
Neither spoke as they headed to the cabin, but both wondered who their drills master would be, and who else might be in their cabin.
As Nethan looked around, memories of his first year came back. [Yep, good ol' Yew 2. Guess there's no escaping it, after all. But, I'm a drills master now. Fourth years do get some nice privileges though, I never could've gotten away with no bunkmate the past three years.] The cabin was just as he remembered it - rickety double leveled beds, pillows filled with hay and stuffing materials.
Stashing his trunk and bag under the frontmost bunk, he looked around at how clean it was. "By the end of the month this cabin will be a mess. Let's see what kids I have under me though." He pulled out a list from the front box, and looked over it. "Great, the squirt and his friend are in here. Why do these things always happen to me? Hmm, Lurleya Kelwiin, a Wood elf raised by Adin parents from Julin
"You behave yourself here Jason," said the man standing next to a cart. "I need you to promise that you'll keep Nethan out of trouble."
"All right, Dar," said the youth, his once blond hair turning brown as he grew up. "Still, I can't see why'd he'd want to get in trouble here. Or how."
"He has his ways, and a tendency to get caught," Dar laughed. "But make sure you don't get in serious trouble either, all right?"
"No trouble, Dar. After all, I have a friend here with me, right Tomodak?"
"That's right," said the orc, his otherwise clean skin gleaming with an oily secretion. The green was almost hideous, especially with the seilb, but Jason knew it was only a phase. Within a month, his friend would essentially have a natural armor, much like an insect. "I just wish that this stuff would harden faster," Tomodak said. "It may not look it, but it itches like I have a swarm of bludbugs biting me." He scratched at his left arm, dropping his heavy bag on the older man's foot. "Sorry Jason's father," he said as he watched the expression of pain. "I didn't mean to hurt you."
"It is no trouble, Tomodak," Dar said, lifting the bag. "But one would think you've a gelshrin in there."
The orc scowled at the mention of the sacred weapon. He took the bag, then laughed off the scowl, not wanting to reveal too much. "I just tried to get as much in there as I could." He'd made it look that way, leaving barely anything in his more manageable pack, so no one would get too suspicious.
As the group split ways, the next cart came up. A young woman stepped out, dressed in brown leather. Her auburn hair was bound back and a bow was slung over her shoulder. Her clothing was cut in a foreign style which Jason barely recognized. As she pulled out a trunk, he whispered to his friend.
"Tomodak! That's a Hellwood Elf! I thought the only people who came here were locals, not mainlanders."
"Ignorance, it must be bliss my friend," Tomodak said, shaking his head in mock disgust. With his two bags, he headed off to find their cabin. "Yew Number 2," he said, reciting the number from the card. Jason followed him, while Nethan, in a higher class, had gone on ahead for his cabin.
"That boy," Ferein whispered, holding her trunk on her shoulder. "I did not realize he would be here, else I would have come in another season." She shuddered, then looked once more at the card, reading it softly to herself. "Bunking is not based upon gender or age, but experience in the camp. Ferein Moonstar, you have been assigned to Cabin Yew 2. Your bunkmate will be Lurleya Kelwiin, a forest elf raised by Adin foster parents, who found her."
A young blond elf was approaching her, female by the looks, although dressed in a fashionably Julinian Adin style. She wore a single piece dress, and carried four bags, rather than a trunk or pack. Her hair was bound back, but in the braids of a farmer, not those of a huntress or a warrior, or even the style of a mage. Her eyes were hidden by the layers of shadow, but they weren't important to Ferein.
"Are you Ferein Moonstar," the girl said, a crack in her voice, and a glint in her eye.
[By the gods! This girl could seduce any of the men here!] Ferein refrained from her instinctive reaction, and instead held her right hand, which wasn't supporting the trunk, up to her chin. For a moment more she studied the girl, then simply raised her head, sticking the chin out slightly. "Who asks after her?"
"Her," the girl choked on the words, not knowing what to say. With a start, she gasped in some air, then gave a name. "Kelwiin. Lurleya Kelwiin."
"Am I to understand that you are Lurleya Kelwin?"
"It's Kelwiin," the girl said, emphasizing the long sounds. "Not Kelwin. And yes, I am."
"Yes, I am indeed Ferein. Shall we go to our cabin?"
Just a moment passed, but to both it seemed like an eternity. Lurleya picked up her bags, slung them over her shoulder, then headed off. Ferein, not to be outdone, followed just after the girl. "Swlm," she muttered, noting how Lurleya reacted to the men around her. [No wonder at her name. Why must I be caged with this seducer and that boy, with his strange friend? I cannot know, but I am certain the gods have a purpose to this, and I will find it.]
Neither spoke as they headed to the cabin, but both wondered who their drills master would be, and who else might be in their cabin.
As Nethan looked around, memories of his first year came back. [Yep, good ol' Yew 2. Guess there's no escaping it, after all. But, I'm a drills master now. Fourth years do get some nice privileges though, I never could've gotten away with no bunkmate the past three years.] The cabin was just as he remembered it - rickety double leveled beds, pillows filled with hay and stuffing materials.
Stashing his trunk and bag under the frontmost bunk, he looked around at how clean it was. "By the end of the month this cabin will be a mess. Let's see what kids I have under me though." He pulled out a list from the front box, and looked over it. "Great, the squirt and his friend are in here. Why do these things always happen to me? Hmm, Lurleya Kelwiin, a Wood elf raised by Adin parents from Julin