07-26-2006, 05:42 PM
Okay, Nate, I'm going to review your "Load This!" Guil/Rena story, now; let's see what we have here...
-------------
Renamon is as cold as Ruki, they treat themselves with most respect and all, including Renamon being a mere servant for her tamer, but I'm certain the digimon never calls her ''mistress'' but ''Rika/Ruki'' when she talks to her directly. Like when Ruki says: "Renamon." and Renamon appears and simply answers: "Yes, Ruki?"
This isn't wrong, really, but shouldn't it be better to let Guilmon act naiver? Maybe it sounds exageratting, but he tends to call Takato: "Takatomon." a lot in the beggining. It'd be better to make him seem even more childy than he already is.
Well, now I'll score according to your guideline, then.
Plot: 15/20.
I kind of enjoyed this story's plot particularly, it was nice seeing Renamon showing a weakness for the first time, even though short and fast, it was clear what this story meant.
Character: Before a grade, I'll analize the characters in deep.
Renamon: Ohh... she's in a fight between OOC an IC in this story, for one, she acts as submissive as she would in the series, but yet again, she wouldn't even matter if Guilmon touched her, she'd be dominant all the way even if she WANTED him. To place it short, if Guilmon touched her without permission, he'd be glued to the nearest wall with a mark in his eye/face/chest/crotch(ouch).
Guilmon: I'll tell you the truth, this characterization, according to the series, was REALLY out of character. Guilmon wasn't set as naive as he really is, and how is that he knows what to do with an erection, but suddenly cums without knowing what might be coming out from his cock? Besides, you say he's pervert, wrong, he's naive and completely blind to his surroundings, as most people have charted him, he's merely an ignorant child.
Ruki: She actually was the only one in pure characterization, I liked her reaction when Renamon suggested a sneak attack; it would have been something I'd actually expect her doing.
Score: 8/20.
Lemon: 5/20. This actually didn't go bad, but didn't do good either. The story plot went good, but the plot for the sex scene was spontaneous, actually, they were supposed to fight, when suddenly, a horny perverted Guilmon just jumped on her, suddenly had an erection at hand/claw, and then he loaded Renamon with cum withouth actually ''knowing'' if that's what he meant doing. Yes, he must have been doing it just because he wanted to know what was he doing, and he was ''winning'' against her, but... how the heck could he start in the first place without actually knowing what he was about to do? I know maybe Guilmon was ''mature'' here, but you should have at least explained that with some background, but no, it went totally fast.
Semantics: 16/20. You have an ability with the word using, you have an extent vocabulary to define and create your own phrases, and in a semantic view of your writing, I'll say you did a good job overall.
Quality: 9/20. Descriptions... descriptions... well, I really didn't find much of them according to what the characters would look like. But if we go in deep, like when you described the place where the story actually takes place, then that's a totally different thing, the whole scenario is well described as well as the fight scenes, it was good, and not over-acted, though I would actually have added backgrounds to this story, many things are unclear at simple views.
Total Score: 53/100.
I'll be sincere, you literally didn't put much inspiration and dedication to the whole story, yes, the phrases and writing is good, but what about the background? It was a mere story of: Fight/Conflict/Doubts/Fight/Fight(2)/Sex/End. It didn't really flow in the way as expected, though it's a very nice story, it just hasn't met it's true potential, which you might be able to draw out easily, you are of a very good quality writer, but you can always do better. I'd strongly reccomend you to try and actually THINK like the characters would, how would they feel to be in the various positions you have given them. Hope this helps you in anyway.
-------------
Nate Hunter Wrote:This shouldn't be happening. That is what I keep telling myself, every time I see him. My mistress hates him, and I should be doing as she desires. She has always kept me satisfied before, so why do I now long after the forbidden? She doesn't like me to look at men. She views it a weakness, a fault in me.
Perhaps she is right. I was meant for battle, not love. I should be strong, not falling head over heels for a rival. Even a rival as child-like as he should not cause me even the least hesitation, but whenever we fight, I find myself wanting more. I should not feel this way. Yet I do.
Perhaps I have been misguided.
"Renamon, you were sloppy out there today."
"I am sorry, mistress." Renamon did not look at the red-haired girl she served, she was not worthy of it. "Something distracted me."
Renamon is as cold as Ruki, they treat themselves with most respect and all, including Renamon being a mere servant for her tamer, but I'm certain the digimon never calls her ''mistress'' but ''Rika/Ruki'' when she talks to her directly. Like when Ruki says: "Renamon." and Renamon appears and simply answers: "Yes, Ruki?"
Nate Hunter Wrote:"You aren't Takato," he said, tilting his head to one side as he looked at her. "Oh, I remember! We played last time, right?"
This isn't wrong, really, but shouldn't it be better to let Guilmon act naiver? Maybe it sounds exageratting, but he tends to call Takato: "Takatomon." a lot in the beggining. It'd be better to make him seem even more childy than he already is.
Well, now I'll score according to your guideline, then.
Plot: 15/20.
I kind of enjoyed this story's plot particularly, it was nice seeing Renamon showing a weakness for the first time, even though short and fast, it was clear what this story meant.
Character: Before a grade, I'll analize the characters in deep.
Renamon: Ohh... she's in a fight between OOC an IC in this story, for one, she acts as submissive as she would in the series, but yet again, she wouldn't even matter if Guilmon touched her, she'd be dominant all the way even if she WANTED him. To place it short, if Guilmon touched her without permission, he'd be glued to the nearest wall with a mark in his eye/face/chest/crotch(ouch).
Guilmon: I'll tell you the truth, this characterization, according to the series, was REALLY out of character. Guilmon wasn't set as naive as he really is, and how is that he knows what to do with an erection, but suddenly cums without knowing what might be coming out from his cock? Besides, you say he's pervert, wrong, he's naive and completely blind to his surroundings, as most people have charted him, he's merely an ignorant child.
Ruki: She actually was the only one in pure characterization, I liked her reaction when Renamon suggested a sneak attack; it would have been something I'd actually expect her doing.
Score: 8/20.
Lemon: 5/20. This actually didn't go bad, but didn't do good either. The story plot went good, but the plot for the sex scene was spontaneous, actually, they were supposed to fight, when suddenly, a horny perverted Guilmon just jumped on her, suddenly had an erection at hand/claw, and then he loaded Renamon with cum withouth actually ''knowing'' if that's what he meant doing. Yes, he must have been doing it just because he wanted to know what was he doing, and he was ''winning'' against her, but... how the heck could he start in the first place without actually knowing what he was about to do? I know maybe Guilmon was ''mature'' here, but you should have at least explained that with some background, but no, it went totally fast.
Semantics: 16/20. You have an ability with the word using, you have an extent vocabulary to define and create your own phrases, and in a semantic view of your writing, I'll say you did a good job overall.
Quality: 9/20. Descriptions... descriptions... well, I really didn't find much of them according to what the characters would look like. But if we go in deep, like when you described the place where the story actually takes place, then that's a totally different thing, the whole scenario is well described as well as the fight scenes, it was good, and not over-acted, though I would actually have added backgrounds to this story, many things are unclear at simple views.
Total Score: 53/100.
I'll be sincere, you literally didn't put much inspiration and dedication to the whole story, yes, the phrases and writing is good, but what about the background? It was a mere story of: Fight/Conflict/Doubts/Fight/Fight(2)/Sex/End. It didn't really flow in the way as expected, though it's a very nice story, it just hasn't met it's true potential, which you might be able to draw out easily, you are of a very good quality writer, but you can always do better. I'd strongly reccomend you to try and actually THINK like the characters would, how would they feel to be in the various positions you have given them. Hope this helps you in anyway.
![[Image: FearthatPlushy.jpg]](http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c40/BlackSpyromv_33/FearthatPlushy.jpg)
