It's Only Fair: Herr Mullen goes Under the Knife

[Marine]

Style is subjective. Personally I like Mullen's stories, but there are some parts which disconnects the reader from the story for a bit, and might have to double-take to follow the story.

Are you sitting comfortably?
Good.
Then we shall begin.
Daisuke woke up, the bright and hot sunlight drifting through his blinds, and attempting to gouge his eyes out with a spoon. That's how it felt. His sheets were tangled around his legs, leaving his top bare. He groaned. He had not slept well last night. He got to his feet as quickly as he could, and rushed to the bathroom. He made a daily sacrifice of fluids and former food to the God of Unfortunate Circumstances at the Temple of Toilet.
Don't get him wrong on "Unfortunate Circumstance", he was thrilled to be having this baby. But being a guy, well. That was the unfortunate bit. He'd just began to show, as well; his parents were getting rather worried. He'd have to tell them at some point.
The telephone began to ring. Daisuke went back to his bedroom and tied a dressing gown around himself loosely, and then answered the ringing thing.
"Hello?"
"Hey, there. Feeling any better this morning?"
"No. If anything, I'm worse. I feel so tired..." Daisuke yawned.
"We'll see Jyou again, later. See if he can do anything."
"Thanks, Takeru. That's fantastic."
"Hey, no worries. It's my baby, too, right?"
"I guess." Daisuke put his head against the wall, and sighed. He rubbed his bloated stomach. He felt a kick. "Takeru!" he gasped, "It kicked! It kicked!"
"It did?"
"Yeah, it actually kicked!"
"Brilliant! That's fantastic! Oh, Dai..."

Are you still comfortable? You don't want a cushion or anything do you?
Good.

-Something feels a bit off between these two paragraph openings. I'm not saying his style is bad or should be changed, it just sounds out of place to me. And on a side note, most of your stories imitate the unique disclaimer and then story. It's just that this one pecked my attention.

--> I didn't mean to sound... overzealous on the comment...

--> And he asked for my opinion Wisemon, I obliged and answered. If he wants to ignore it, please do, because that what the review is--my opinion. Let him decide. Not everyone believes everything he writes delegates as 'style'.