07-20-2006, 07:26 AM
-->Wow a gay pregnancy fetish... Different... Different indeed...
->Grammar/Mechanics: Nothing really too bad to complain about in this department, exceptt for a couple fragmented sentences that kinda pop out of the story and give readers a black eye.
-->Characterization: There's a slight problem inside this story, basically the relationship between Davis and T.K.. Since you give us these two canon characters, readers expect for them to exude the same emotions as they would BEFORE falling in love. Your not giving enough explanation of why these two 'feel' about eachother, let alone going through the entire process of Davis getting pregnant. Next time you might want to stretch out the story enough so that the reader understands where the lemon is coming from and why these characters feel why they feel towards one another and then you'll have a better, more lax story.
--> Plot: There's a vague trace of it somewhere in that story...
--> Lemon: Now just for fetish purposes, those who are trying to personify a fetish, usually the entire lemon is committed just to that. Sure you had the gay fetish pretty nailed (lol), but there wasn't enough 'man pregnancy' to make it seem the ravishing fetish.
--> Writing: I like the 'Disclaimer' as you being narrated and all, however, if that is not your intent throughout the story, try to keep your comments to yourself and let the reader decide. Anything beyond the disclaimer has to be strictly story...
[It was a nice attempt for a gay... pregnant... fetish]
->Grammar/Mechanics: Nothing really too bad to complain about in this department, exceptt for a couple fragmented sentences that kinda pop out of the story and give readers a black eye.
-->Characterization: There's a slight problem inside this story, basically the relationship between Davis and T.K.. Since you give us these two canon characters, readers expect for them to exude the same emotions as they would BEFORE falling in love. Your not giving enough explanation of why these two 'feel' about eachother, let alone going through the entire process of Davis getting pregnant. Next time you might want to stretch out the story enough so that the reader understands where the lemon is coming from and why these characters feel why they feel towards one another and then you'll have a better, more lax story.
--> Plot: There's a vague trace of it somewhere in that story...
--> Lemon: Now just for fetish purposes, those who are trying to personify a fetish, usually the entire lemon is committed just to that. Sure you had the gay fetish pretty nailed (lol), but there wasn't enough 'man pregnancy' to make it seem the ravishing fetish.
--> Writing: I like the 'Disclaimer' as you being narrated and all, however, if that is not your intent throughout the story, try to keep your comments to yourself and let the reader decide. Anything beyond the disclaimer has to be strictly story...
[It was a nice attempt for a gay... pregnant... fetish]