07-19-2006, 12:58 PM
[My pleasure...]
The only thing I'm going to quip about, simply based on that there's really nothing too absurd about it. The overall segment of this story is pretty basic and interesting. Here the reader understands Flamedramon's dilemma and why he seeks help from Ex. The good twist in the plot was the subtle introduction of Flamedramon basically cheating on Greymon with Ex, in that the reader knows what he's doing is wrong, but would keep reading. As an added bonus the cliffhanger made me smile. It's a little surprising at first, but Gremon's character fits the bill quite nicely.
Onto the quip....
[The Wisemon syndrome] *No offense to him*
Yes I call it the Wisemon Syndrome and for good reason. Sometimes your action scenes are watered down, dulled, and polluted because you tell us instead of showing. What does this have to do with Wisemon? His stories are riddled with these devastating things!
->Telling involves the use of the verb is and has basically, and have more words than if it was showed. For instance:
-[This was a pleasure that Flamedramon had never felt] <- Really, you could omit this entire sentence because in the one following this, you show (mentally) or explain how it affects him. This sentence chops the flow of the paragraph a little bit, but with enough practice you could catch these when you revise.
[And another quip]
-> Where is meh setting foo? Whenever you plan on changing scenes for at least a page or more, take a paragraph and reveal what's around us, the reader, or around the head of Flamedramon. Set a mood. Give the reader the feeling and a sense of place within this story you've made for them...
-------[That's all I got for now]----------
The only thing I'm going to quip about, simply based on that there's really nothing too absurd about it. The overall segment of this story is pretty basic and interesting. Here the reader understands Flamedramon's dilemma and why he seeks help from Ex. The good twist in the plot was the subtle introduction of Flamedramon basically cheating on Greymon with Ex, in that the reader knows what he's doing is wrong, but would keep reading. As an added bonus the cliffhanger made me smile. It's a little surprising at first, but Gremon's character fits the bill quite nicely.
Onto the quip....
[The Wisemon syndrome] *No offense to him*
Yes I call it the Wisemon Syndrome and for good reason. Sometimes your action scenes are watered down, dulled, and polluted because you tell us instead of showing. What does this have to do with Wisemon? His stories are riddled with these devastating things!
->Telling involves the use of the verb is and has basically, and have more words than if it was showed. For instance:
-[This was a pleasure that Flamedramon had never felt] <- Really, you could omit this entire sentence because in the one following this, you show (mentally) or explain how it affects him. This sentence chops the flow of the paragraph a little bit, but with enough practice you could catch these when you revise.
[And another quip]
-> Where is meh setting foo? Whenever you plan on changing scenes for at least a page or more, take a paragraph and reveal what's around us, the reader, or around the head of Flamedramon. Set a mood. Give the reader the feeling and a sense of place within this story you've made for them...
-------[That's all I got for now]----------