Better Late than Never: The June 2006 Lemon Contest

[Nate Hunter]

I'm going to post the preliminary results right here, neglecting the scores from our fifth judge, since he only sent me scores for two of them. If he gets back soon, I'll update, but I don't suspect it will impact the matter of won. Presented here are my comments, and only mine, not those of the other judges, alongside of the combined scores (ie: out of 40 possible points)

In Third, and last, place, is DV85 with his entry "The Break Up". To be fair, none of us reviewers cared for the style, and all of us scored it below 50% of total points available.

DV85 "The Break Up"
Overall score - 31.5% (F)

Plot: 11/40 - 27.5%

The plot seems rather thin for a serious attempt, not to mention that the past plot (Kari saw Davis's penis earlier!) is thrown out the window to convey a virgin experience come the lemon scene. At least the not seeing Tai's is addressed here, even if not given a decent reason (the Japanese are less shy about showing their naked bodies around family and the same sex than Americans tend to be). It's a bit weird seeing someone who isn't blatantly a DaiKari fan and TK-hater doing this, but it does help with uniqueness... except the plot is so thin I could sneeze through it.

Characterization: 8/40 - 20%

The characters are completely out of character. How many girls are really going to give a guy -- who isn't even her boyfriend -- head just because he hurt his crotch (granted, she wasn't, but couldn't she have more easily gotten some ice for it?)? If Kari doubts whether or not TK likes her, why does he have a spare key to the Kamiya apartment? And TK doesn't seem the type to me who would slap a girl he liked, even if he was mad at her...

There IS characterization, but there's no reasoning behind it, and it's so completely unlike what we see in the show that it doesn't even seem relevant to the series.

Semantics: 14/40 - 35%

Though most of the punctuation and spacing is great, there are grammatical issues throughout the story -- which a lot of foreign writers also show -- in the english sounding too formal, or just too stiff, during dialogue. Speech that's just a bit off from the right or casual way of saying it, not unlike the way Omi speaks in Xiaolin Showdown. It makes the story seem a bit too contrived when dialogue reads too properly and not quite "right". Also, Takeru's family name is "Takaishi", not "Takashi". Also... having only double spaced paragraphs makes the story that much harder to follow for me. Use some way to show us when the scene is shifting, man.

Lemon Scene: 17/40 - 42.5%

Finally we get some prose in this desolate pile of sand. Dull, gray sand -- not even the golden or pale brown, this sand has just been gray up until now, and now we get a bit of color. A shame it's barely more than pastels -- not in the way of a pastel being gentle, but in the way of it being less vibrant. It's better than the rest of the story, but only just enough to be barely palatable, and not quite engaging. It almost seems... formulaic, which detracts from what uniqueness it might otherwise have.

Overall Writing: 13/40 - 32.5%

It isn't that this story is "bad" so much as it is that it's simply "bland". But in the world of art, the two are almost synonymous. Proper use of prose throughout the story would have helped to colour the scenes, while proper use of dialogue -- and some choice idioms -- within the lemon would have made it more vibrant and engaging. Again, not a bad story, if you're the sort of person who enjoys the taste of ice water or celery. If you like some flavor and color, though, it may be best to look elsewhere. The lemon scene is the only redeeming quality I can find.

Here's a bit of advice, DV85 -- quality > quantity. You could have gotten away with a much shorter entry if you had put in some effort to make it a quality entry rather than a long one or the first (coincidentally, it WAS the first) to get in. I'd rather have someone who gets theirs to me at the last minute but has quality than something like this. And here's some pointers that may help, though taking them is at your own discretion.

Points to improve:

Reaction Shots --

"T.K, calm down!" Kari tried desperately to reason with him. "You're overreacting!"
"You stay out of this you slut," he said, turning towards her, the back of his hand flying across her face.
Tai stared at the red mark this boy had just left on his little sister, and found his anger a force he could no longer manage. "T.K, you son of a bitch!"

Your original is dull, but by interposing and mixing up the content, the dialogue and prose flow together. Characters act when they speak, they act after they speak, and other characters react when spoken to. They react not only to actions, but to words, but your content failed to fully demonstrate this interaction of actions.

Presentation --

You gave us this:

[quote]