06-01-2006, 11:38 AM
It's a good story line so far. A difficult P.O.V for most writers to even attempt, but I admire your willingness to try and its not bad at all.
There are a couple things that could use improvements; settings the key one. The setting in your story is good, but needs to be expanded a little to set an atmosphere of Omaha.
The action in some sections is a great touch, very nice indeed. Some action sentences seem a bit too long though, like there's too much explanation for the action.
That certain chunk of sentence didn't really fit into the action. It felt like you were telling us about what happened instead of showing, maybe it's the 'was' verb.
That's all I got for now. Do send a message my way when you create you next craft.
There are a couple things that could use improvements; settings the key one. The setting in your story is good, but needs to be expanded a little to set an atmosphere of Omaha.
The action in some sections is a great touch, very nice indeed. Some action sentences seem a bit too long though, like there's too much explanation for the action.
Quote:he was surprised when the German gunner toppled down the seawall, hit in the head with one of the bullets from his pistol.
That certain chunk of sentence didn't really fit into the action. It felt like you were telling us about what happened instead of showing, maybe it's the 'was' verb.
That's all I got for now. Do send a message my way when you create you next craft.