05-25-2006, 08:25 PM
You switched tenses twice in the very last paragraph.
Awfully violent; why? What was the point in killing a child? You show Flamdramon to be a villianous character; why not build up to it with perhaps a theft here or there, or littering or the like? A spoiler warning, now; if you've seen series three, you'll remember Impmon; he was very petty at the begining of the series, but by the end he'd killed a chap. Everyone was outraged; "We knew you were bad, but we never thought you'd kill!" and such. Spoiler warning's over, by the way. Just come in and kill a fellow immediatly you ruin suspence and remove any reason for me to read on. First, you should make me care. I should know the characters, and I should know why I should care. Then, once the reader cares, which takes a long time, by the way, then you can kill someone. The reader, who knows the characters and cares will say "Why!" and read on to find out.
Well done of the reactions of the children to Flamedramon's appearance. It's true to life, really, although you've gone over the top by suggesting they were rolling around. They'd usually cry something alon the lines of "I say! Look at that fellow! Doesn't he look like a ponce!" and then chuckle amoungst themselves.
I really like the first bit; I just imagined it in the style of the first Digimon movie, with a lot of clumsy naturalistic movements and that child-like drawing style and it came to life. Well done on portaying innocent childhood so well.
Awfully violent; why? What was the point in killing a child? You show Flamdramon to be a villianous character; why not build up to it with perhaps a theft here or there, or littering or the like? A spoiler warning, now; if you've seen series three, you'll remember Impmon; he was very petty at the begining of the series, but by the end he'd killed a chap. Everyone was outraged; "We knew you were bad, but we never thought you'd kill!" and such. Spoiler warning's over, by the way. Just come in and kill a fellow immediatly you ruin suspence and remove any reason for me to read on. First, you should make me care. I should know the characters, and I should know why I should care. Then, once the reader cares, which takes a long time, by the way, then you can kill someone. The reader, who knows the characters and cares will say "Why!" and read on to find out.
Well done of the reactions of the children to Flamedramon's appearance. It's true to life, really, although you've gone over the top by suggesting they were rolling around. They'd usually cry something alon the lines of "I say! Look at that fellow! Doesn't he look like a ponce!" and then chuckle amoungst themselves.
I really like the first bit; I just imagined it in the style of the first Digimon movie, with a lot of clumsy naturalistic movements and that child-like drawing style and it came to life. Well done on portaying innocent childhood so well.