05-02-2006, 07:02 AM
3 things, and I haven't even read past the third paragrah yet:
-For the love of god, rework the formatting! At first glance, it looks like a script format, but is not. The random "*****mon: " are completely useless. Also, quoted text should be separated from the narrative (note also some grammar corrections):
-Stick with a tense. You start with past and switch to present.
-For the love of the Digital Gods, make sure your separators won't stretch other people's screen! Even at 1024x800 resolution, this stretches the layout of the forum!
**edit
I'm going to be pretty harsh: The writing is not very good overall, but I'd still say there's a lot of potential. These are the points that stick most to me.
-The random brackets and parentheses should not be that difficult to transform into normal text. They are distracting.
-It should be made clearer from the start that these are not the characters from the series. Until I reached that bit I was all "The Gabumon I know wouldn't be left behind that easily in a race."
-Grammar and spelling could use work "there other friend" -> "their other friend" amongst many others.
-I, for one, am not of the "male digimon have nipples" interpretation. I see no reason for it, but maybe that's just me. Feel free to ignore this comment.
-If they are not the show's character, what does Izzy has to do in there??
-You don't need to refer to them by their names only. Stuff like "the orange/lizard/horned/fur-wearing/dragon/other Digimon" work too.
-Your sentence structure are poorly made, and very often lack commas in proper places:[quote]Agumon seeing that Veemon was enjoying his treatment through Veemon
-For the love of god, rework the formatting! At first glance, it looks like a script format, but is not. The random "*****mon: " are completely useless. Also, quoted text should be separated from the narrative (note also some grammar corrections):
Quote:"Come on you slow pokes, you can make it," Veemon said sarcastically.
"Just a couple of meters before I...I..." he yelled at the two digimon not far behind him.
Veemon, covered in sweat that made his body glow in a shade of neon blue, was leading the others with a comfortable distance of about 5 meters
-Stick with a tense. You start with past and switch to present.
-For the love of the Digital Gods, make sure your separators won't stretch other people's screen! Even at 1024x800 resolution, this stretches the layout of the forum!
**edit
I'm going to be pretty harsh: The writing is not very good overall, but I'd still say there's a lot of potential. These are the points that stick most to me.
-The random brackets and parentheses should not be that difficult to transform into normal text. They are distracting.
-It should be made clearer from the start that these are not the characters from the series. Until I reached that bit I was all "The Gabumon I know wouldn't be left behind that easily in a race."
-Grammar and spelling could use work "there other friend" -> "their other friend" amongst many others.
-I, for one, am not of the "male digimon have nipples" interpretation. I see no reason for it, but maybe that's just me. Feel free to ignore this comment.
-If they are not the show's character, what does Izzy has to do in there??
-You don't need to refer to them by their names only. Stuff like "the orange/lizard/horned/fur-wearing/dragon/other Digimon" work too.
-Your sentence structure are poorly made, and very often lack commas in proper places:[quote]Agumon seeing that Veemon was enjoying his treatment through Veemon