03-12-2003, 02:19 AM
Let's start with the plot. This is basically a PWP 'plot what plot?' lemon, which starts and ends with the sex scene. The small set-up for it we get is Takato's confession to Renamon and her positive response to it. An interesting theme for a plot is, as Renamon pointed out, the fact that Takato's a human and Renamon's a Digimon. That was also one of the few in-character moments she got in the fanfic, which was quickly spoiled because that point wasn't given further exploration.
The characterisation was probably the weakest point of the fanfic. Takato's said feelings for Renamon "since the first time he saw her" aren't verified by the series, since it's pretty much canon that he had a crush on Juri. I can't see him confessing his feelings to her that quickly and with that little provocation, considering he is rather shy by nature, especially in romantic matters. Renamon's portrayal was generally better than Takato's, but still her personality was too loose. She wouldn't trust the genuineness of Takato's feelings for her instantly, and she wouldn't react to them so openly during the first time she learned about them. She's closer to the way fans picture her than the way the series does, which can be both good and bad. In this case it seems bad to me, because it only adds to the lack of plot. Takato loves Renamon, Renamon wants him too, and they have hot passionate sex. The End.
Grammar and spelling errors were few compared to the average lemon. I think I ought to point this out, though: One space after each comma and each end of sentence.
The title was bad. Not only has it been used a hundred times before, only with a different name for the character, but it is a sad excuse for a title anyway. I'm sure you can come up with something more original than that, this is certainly not going to attract any non-Takato/Renamon fans to the story.
The lemon scene was pretty good. The description could have been much better throughout the story, but the scene was long and covered enough different positions to make it interesting. Sure, there's scat, but those who don't like it can just avoid the story. Besides, serving different preferences is a good thing.
It's an average lemon in general, but a good one if you take into consideration that it's your first. Good luck with your other stories.
The characterisation was probably the weakest point of the fanfic. Takato's said feelings for Renamon "since the first time he saw her" aren't verified by the series, since it's pretty much canon that he had a crush on Juri. I can't see him confessing his feelings to her that quickly and with that little provocation, considering he is rather shy by nature, especially in romantic matters. Renamon's portrayal was generally better than Takato's, but still her personality was too loose. She wouldn't trust the genuineness of Takato's feelings for her instantly, and she wouldn't react to them so openly during the first time she learned about them. She's closer to the way fans picture her than the way the series does, which can be both good and bad. In this case it seems bad to me, because it only adds to the lack of plot. Takato loves Renamon, Renamon wants him too, and they have hot passionate sex. The End.
Grammar and spelling errors were few compared to the average lemon. I think I ought to point this out, though: One space after each comma and each end of sentence.
The title was bad. Not only has it been used a hundred times before, only with a different name for the character, but it is a sad excuse for a title anyway. I'm sure you can come up with something more original than that, this is certainly not going to attract any non-Takato/Renamon fans to the story.
The lemon scene was pretty good. The description could have been much better throughout the story, but the scene was long and covered enough different positions to make it interesting. Sure, there's scat, but those who don't like it can just avoid the story. Besides, serving different preferences is a good thing.
It's an average lemon in general, but a good one if you take into consideration that it's your first. Good luck with your other stories.