Quick note before reading:
you might want to resize or replace the pic with a link, as it stretches the page, and forces the reader to scroll in order to read, v. annoying.
A few logic/continuity issues I saw:
(there are quite a few issues with grammar or phrasing that could use copyediting too, but here is not the place for that. If you want, I can compile and send a PM/mail to you about it.)
you might want to resize or replace the pic with a link, as it stretches the page, and forces the reader to scroll in order to read, v. annoying.
A few logic/continuity issues I saw:
- Takato slapped himself again in frustration When did he slap himself first?
- Humans are indifferent to such relationships, and do not approve of them. I'm not sure you intend the word "indifferent" here.
- Once a Gaomon chose a mate Doesn't soundslike either of them had any choice to me
- *In Rika's perspective for the moment...* I really don't think that is necessary.
- "(Gaomon, stop standing there and get on my belly already!)" I am finding these parentheses awfully confusing, even if they are "explained" by the tag quote.
- but he had never in bed I think you're missing a word here
- then cusped is that supposed to be "cupped"??
- She a way for drawing boys in another missing word
(there are quite a few issues with grammar or phrasing that could use copyediting too, but here is not the place for that. If you want, I can compile and send a PM/mail to you about it.)