Authors Wanted

[Herr Mullen]

I have no bias towards certain lemons (unlike Wisemon), so anyone can send their lemons to me via email (mentioned above)

I would never give a lemon a bad review because it contained content that I found offensive; it just wouldn't view it in the first place.

A very sencible aproach.

Wisemon and I aren't overly "nice". I'm perfectly blunt. Here are some reveiws I wrote, but never postec (I sent them in as comments to the DHZ, but I didn't know you couldn't be negative when commenting.)

I just read AGZ's "Jewels On The Water" and "We're Going To Be Friends". Let's review. Jewels was short, and sweet, and so shall the review of it be. The use of metaphor and simile, which seem strangely absent form many other fiction writers, bring this short event to life. Short, but romantic and stylish. If a chap should have a few minutes of boredom to fill, he should read this fiction, and find himself entertained and peaceful when he is done. Friends the first in a series, the coupling of which I am not in agreement with. I do not like incest fictions, but I do like the story leading up to it. However, toward the beginning I thought Tai seemed very out of character; I just watched Series One of Digimon, and by the end of that Tai was no-where near as self-serving as that. What I did love about the masturbation episode, was the reference to " one of the many transdimensional vortexes that occur naturally in a young person's bedroom" because that's just the kind of humour I enjoy. Kari's outburst against June was hilarious in the description of it's impact, but still out of character, like her water fight with Davis. I did like Davis's appearance, mostly due to this comment;" both felt that, somehow, they were meeting in the wrong place and the wrong time, that they were in some way going against an unknown and unspoken rule that governed the universe." What a fantastic humour this fellow has, and what poetic imagination and literary ability he has to put it into practice. If any new writer should be wanting to see how writing should be done, have a gander at this fiction. What I did not like was that, though punctuation, grammar, and spelling were correct for the rest of it, he insisted in placing thoughts and stresses in between asterisks. Asterisks are not for writing, they are for maths; they are the proper symbol for multiplication. Overall, a very amusing and fun affair.

ScyStorm's "Pokemon Birthday Surprise" is an average lemon. There is no display of literary talent, thanks to the absence of Mr. A. Metaphor, and Ms. Simile. It is purely based around sex. No worries there, sometimes it's nice to have something like that. But why does the author write entirely in present tense? I never like the present tense in fiction. But, each to his own. Overall, not good if you wanted something to thrill you. You might just stop by whilst making your way past to more justifiable character lemons.

Avoid Djinn's lemon at all costs. It will rob you of five seconds of your lifespan.

Starlightwar is not a good writer. The first sentence is "It started out as a normal day in the digital world, Palmon prancing around in the medows and birdramon filled the air but as nice as any day could have been there was something bad going to happen and every digi tamer went home because there was peace and tranquilty but when theres evil theres always going to be evil as they might figure out", which I cannot make head nor tail of. Kari is lying naked and not moving. Is there a reason? No, of course not! Why would their be a reason, aside from this unmentioned and un-referenced evil from the opening sentence? Why does the author insist on building (without proper tools, materials, and planning permission) this little shack of possible plot in the opening line, and then not talk about it again? The author displays no sign of paying attention in English, let alone any talent for writing. He doesn't even capitalise character's names. Every lemon writer on the Internet should see this guy's lemon, so they know exactly not to do. Also, "notice" does not begin with a silent "k". A spellcheck would have increased what little quality this sorry excuse for language has to offer.

The Anonymouse, author of such great reads as "My First Dictionary", and "My First Fantasy Fiction Novel", both available from any good children's bookshop, brings us "My First Lemon". It's alright, really, but Mimi and Izzy are both so far out of character I think you could call this an "out of body experience." Twice, the lads have seen Mimi naked in the first series, and both times she screamed at them and ordered them out. Also, Izzy is younger than Mimi. Other than that, good grammar, too small a font, and some fine spelling. That would be thanks to "My First Spellcheck".

TK Styles; here's a good author. No poetic uses of language, but a well written, well spelt, well punctuated piece with good characterisation, although I don't think Davis would say "Wonderful". I think he'd settle for statements of agreement. Usually, I get very annoyed with first person narrative in lemons, I always feel like the author has just written down a fantasy of his and slapped it on the Internet to say "That's what I'd like to do" as opposed to "I think you might like this". However, the narrative in this piece is perfectly well done. I liked the restaurant bit. You can feel the narrator becoming slightly misty-eyed and nostalgic, drifting off onto a yellow brick road Memory Lane. A very idyllic piece.

Cody's a Whore is an average lemon series which I can't help liking for some reason. Van seems to have a kind of charm that shines through his narrative and dialog. It can also be seen in his very, very odd "Adventures In Mating" series, a collection which I used as inspiration for "Time For An Odd Fetish". It's not spectacular, it's just the fact that he's dared to write such series as these which I think is fantastic. They are far too fast, however, which I think is their real weakness, and everything seems to go peoples' ways. Nothing really, really awful happens, and if it does then the characters seem utterly indifferent to it, and Van doesn't make things slow. It's all very fast. An average collection, but one well worth reading on the basis of getting an insight into some of the odder fetishes in the universe.