06-26-2010, 12:35 AM
You could always rewrite it. Not that it's bad the way it is, but it would allow you to add important parts in the middle of the story rather than tagging it on to the end.
While I'm talking about the story, I might as well.. talk about the story. The first problem I ran in to was when the female character revealed that she was homeless. When I read that, I immediately started reading backwards to see if this made sense. She stayed long after the class ended, which does make sense. If I were homeless, I would try to stay inside somewhere as long as possible. But now for the problem: How did she even enroll in the class? I know the class probably didn't cost as much as enrolling in say, university, but it must have cost something. Did she not think that the money could have been better used to buy shelter so you didn't get stabbed in the street, or did she have so little that she thought she might as well try to take her mind off the situation?
On the subject of her homelessness, why? Maybe you were planning on the explanations in part 4 and 5? If that's true by all means go for it, not knowing stuff really bothers me for some reason. But yeah, why is she homeless? She says she doesn't have a home, and then nobody says anything else on the subject. That seemed like an important plot point, and it went away without being explained.
One more thing, and you already mentioned it: Lighting a dude on fire. I mean, the guy was an asshole, sure, but is nearly BURNING A GUY TO DEATH legal in this universe? That seemed like another important plot point, and everybody just seemed to play it off like that was normal.
I'll end with something I liked, because I always feel bad about nit-picking people's work. I have no idea why, but I liked the whole "Fire has two traits" thing you established. It was cheesy, but at the same time it fit really well with the story and managed to offer a pretty satisfying final sentence. I enjoy clever callbacks in stories, I must admit.
Anyway, keep writing. I'm finding it harder and harder to make nit-picks about your writing, which is always a good thing. I look forward to the fourth and fifth parts if you decide to write them, and if not, any other series you work on.
While I'm talking about the story, I might as well.. talk about the story. The first problem I ran in to was when the female character revealed that she was homeless. When I read that, I immediately started reading backwards to see if this made sense. She stayed long after the class ended, which does make sense. If I were homeless, I would try to stay inside somewhere as long as possible. But now for the problem: How did she even enroll in the class? I know the class probably didn't cost as much as enrolling in say, university, but it must have cost something. Did she not think that the money could have been better used to buy shelter so you didn't get stabbed in the street, or did she have so little that she thought she might as well try to take her mind off the situation?
On the subject of her homelessness, why? Maybe you were planning on the explanations in part 4 and 5? If that's true by all means go for it, not knowing stuff really bothers me for some reason. But yeah, why is she homeless? She says she doesn't have a home, and then nobody says anything else on the subject. That seemed like an important plot point, and it went away without being explained.
One more thing, and you already mentioned it: Lighting a dude on fire. I mean, the guy was an asshole, sure, but is nearly BURNING A GUY TO DEATH legal in this universe? That seemed like another important plot point, and everybody just seemed to play it off like that was normal.
I'll end with something I liked, because I always feel bad about nit-picking people's work. I have no idea why, but I liked the whole "Fire has two traits" thing you established. It was cheesy, but at the same time it fit really well with the story and managed to offer a pretty satisfying final sentence. I enjoy clever callbacks in stories, I must admit.
Anyway, keep writing. I'm finding it harder and harder to make nit-picks about your writing, which is always a good thing. I look forward to the fourth and fifth parts if you decide to write them, and if not, any other series you work on.
In soviet goggles, Russia does nothing.