Gary x Ash (pokemon sorry)

[SchizoKat]

i don't know how to say this without sounding like an asshole, so i'll just say it. Puncuate properly! put parenthesis infront and after speaking and don't put *'s around the rest

example#1:

*Ash tugged on his gloves* I know I can win this Pikachu

should look like:

Ash tugged on his gloves, "I know I can win this Pikachu."

and example #2:

Yo! Newbie! *Gary grinned, waving at Ash while making his way over, leaning up against the near row of lockers.* Better not lose this match. You're moving up pretty fast, aren't you?

should look like

"Yo! Newbie!" Gary grinned, waving at Ash while making his way over, leaning up against the near row of lockers, "Better not lose this match. You're moving up pretty fast, aren't you?"

and so forth. also anytime you start a new paragraph you should indent it. and it doesn't hurt to put who said what in the paragraph, like this.

example#3:

Ash tugged on his gloves, "I know I can win this Pikachu."

could have 'ash said' right after it like:

Ash tugged on his gloves, "I know I can win this Pikachu." Ash said.

but aside from it being written improperly, it's a great story, with a good plot and a lot of detail.

PS: sorry is i sounded a little mean in the begining, i just hate improper puncuation.