Cream filling

[DragonMasterX]

The 7 year old girl had a huge smile on her face today, it was the first sale mom and dad let her go out all on her own for!

Okay, for first, there's this little thing which you can or cannot change, but numbers from zero to twelve in English are spelled with letters, so up from 13 and onwards, you can use numbers. It's a bit more stylish that way, but you can choose to do as you wish.

Next, "had a huge smile on her face today". No, wrong. You started in Past Simple, you cannot say "today" if you're narrating in Past. You should change it to "that day" instead.

they expected her to stay in the nice safe little suburb area

You hungry? You ate the comma between nice and safe.

The girl was very much typical little girl

"Typical little girl" is a noun as a whole, and since it's not plural, but singular, you cannot skip the definite article, a or an (In this case, "a typical little girl").

Amy smiled as she knocked on the large door, adjusting her cute little skirt a bit as she bounced from foot to foot "Hellloooo" she called out for "Bunny Scout Cookies!" she said happily as she holds up a pink box of 'Cream filled bunnies' to the window, her uniform crisp and clean over her plump little form.

Ouch. First, "Knocked on the large door"? Door to where? You never explained if Amy was next to a house/condominium/factory/school. It's not a very serious mistake, but if you don't want to imply where she is, then you shouldn't be so substancial with the door, and leave it a bit more anonymous, for example: "Knocked on a large door". Or else, you would need to write where the subject in question is firsthand.

Now, the source of my ouch. "she said happily as she holds". No no and again, no. You can't narrate in two tenses at the same time in the very same sentence while you're in an extreme. You can't begin narrating in Past and then switch to Present like that. It's a grammar horror. The Past Tense of "Hold" is "Held".

Even though she could not be any older than 8, she was still more muscular than even most men Amy had seen during her young life.

"during her young life."? Woah wait, you said she's seven years old. Is she an adult now? Try "short life", because I'm sure that's what you meant to say.

She was dressed in a tank top and small jeans as she looked up at Amy, before getting her bottle away.

The Phrasal Verb you wanted to use here was "Put away", which in this case would turn your sentence into: "before putting her bottle away".

Amy giggled as she smiled "Five dollars for the bunny cookies, ten for the bunny buns" she says cheerily, "They're great after a workout" she chirped innocently as she stood there, looking very tempting all tight in her uniform and alone, as if like an invitation for the young Humadrion.

Eww, again with the tense shifting. Look through your sentences more closely, I'm not going to keep pointing out these. But I'll reiterate: You cannot start narrating in Past and then switch to Present or vice-versa. The Past Tense of "Say" is "Said".

Sapphire giggled a bit as she nodded. "Oh that's nice price indeed but I think we have to go check out with my big sisters first, they handle the money situation in this situation. Can you come inside? They're in the gym probably, it won't take long and we'll probably buy lots?" she'd ask, while stepping a bit away, eyeing along the girl's body a bit when she didn't look.

Again, the Definite Article. "Oh that's nice price indeed..." No. Price, in this case, is a singular noun. You can't keep devouring the a's and an's like that. Not gonna keep up with article troubles either, check your sentences carefully again.

"they handle the money situation in this situation." Uh, that sentence makes my head spin. Try changing it or using different words to cut out the repetition.

"They're in the gym probably, it won't take long and we'll probably buy lots?" she'd ask, while stepping a bit away, eyeing along the girl's body a bit when she didn't look."

Eww with Capital E. "she'd ask"? That short form "she'd ask" can translate to either "she had ask" or "she would ask" and both choices are horrible. For first, you can't use "she had ask" because that is Past Perfect, and you've no current event to link the Past Simple to Past Perfect in your narration, furthermore, it would be "asked" not "ask". Second, "she would ask"? Huh? There's no conditional there, why would you use "Would"?
Edit that part, it should be "she asked", period.

Amy nodded happily as she skipped in

"Skipped in"? That's one weird Phrasal Verb. If you mean she entered the house, it's: "Stepped in".

They also were clad in similar outfit of tank top and jeans like the little girl.

"in similar outfit"? Is there only one outfit in the whole room? No, there isn't. So they are outfits.

Hmm, nice... Sure, for five dollar, I think I could fill the bunny with cream and have fun with the bun...

Haha, but no. "Five dollar". The Five Dollar Bill is where dollar isn't prural, but since we're counting money as an indefinite and not per bill, it's "five dollars."

she'd murmur before slowly moving her hand down behind Amy's behind, before giving her a sudden small spank.

Again, why a "she'd"? No, there's no Past Event linking to use Past Perfect, there's no conditional, and I'm sure that would doesn't denote habit, because it's only happening this once. "she murmured", and that's that.

"before, before" "behind, behind" Try variating with words or structures to reduce repetitions. "she murmured before slowly moving her hand down behind Amy's butt, and then gave her a sudden small spank." See? Not only I changed one of the behinds, but I also turned your second Past Continous into a more manageable Past Simple.

she'd say as Sapphire slowly locked and closed the door

It's a disorder of events. First, you close the door, then you lock it. If you did otherwise, the door would not fit thanks to the lock getting in the way.

"Uuh no...The...The cookies are filled already.... If you want both it… It's fifteen dollars

I thought you hated overusage of elipses? 5 minute pause between each word? Why not use commas to interrupt her speech, or even dashes (-)? They work really well when you want to make a character babble or repeat their speech because their tongue twists.

trying to find a way out of the room as she was realizing something was not right

You need to review Past Continuous. You can't use a continuous after another. When in Past, you go "Past Simple -> Past Continuous" or "Past Continuous -> Past Simple". This could either have been: "trying to find a way out of the room as she realized something was not right" or "tried to find a way out of the room as she was realizing something was not right". Careful with these.

Sapphire soon got close to Amy as she unbuttoned and unbuckled before pulling down her pants down slowly

No, really? I didn't know pants did go down when you pulled them down.

"she'd say before she pushed her dick forcefully into her mouth.”And don't you dare bite! I'll hurt you if you do that." she'd say while her cock began to harden and grow in Amy's mouth, the girl obviously getting aroused by being bossy.

You screwed up with quotes here, bad.

And there are many, many, MANY more horrible mistakes with your writing in this story. But I already spent almost 50 minutes carefully reading through the whole story and frankly I've got enough. I'll go right ahead and grade it:

Plot: Little girl ignores (?) parents and goes off to a bad part of the suburbs, gets caught in a house full of shemales on her first door ringing, gets raped, shitted and pissed on, and impregnated, no less. Now, and without any further ado, she will forever remain a sex slave into the first house of the year she went to sell cookies to. That's one Happy Ending, but I'm afraid the story leaves a lot to desire, there are many things you could have added to make it a more capturing read despite your clear love for descriptive scenes. A story which can be summarized in less than four lines doesn't suck, but it's not very awe-striking either. 4/10

Characterization: Feralzen and Sapphire would have sufficed. The other Humadrions there were just cluttering up space for the heck of it. They didn't even have any significant dialogues or gave any substancial, commentable contribution to the story. Poor little Amy, but that's what she gets for... for... well, for nothing except being one of your characters. 3/10

Writing: Ugh, I'll just say you need a beta reader. 2/10.

Overall Score: 3/10. Not saying it sucks, you do well describing, but a story needs much more than scene description. On a separate, yet still related subject, you must work on your writing, you need to mind what you write and to make sure everything you are typing makes sense (at least gramatically), or else, trust me, the amount of possible readers will drop significantly, namely because it really gets tiring to have to go back and ask one self: "Huh? What the hell did he mean?" or "Why did he change the words?" or "Before, before" "Behind, behind".

You may say the Writing is not as important as the "Meat" of the story, but it's what actually gets people to read it and continue until the story finishes without turning it down. If a reader reaches the point where a story is illegible and it tires someone's eyes, then it means your writing is dull and unappreciated by yourself, the Writer, which means you need to go over what really is important to make a good story and distribute your care over all the aspects of your piece of writing. Got it? Keep it up, and don't give up.