09-02-2003, 04:51 PM
I wrote a detailed analysis on all the fics over three days.
***
Inhibitions
SEMANTICS - 16
There seemed to be some slight fumbling with tenses in a few parts here, professionally speaking this is very bad, but I wont deduct much for it. The text utilizes some very good prose, has some sound problems; the term 'sound' us used for how words blend together. What I mean by sound problem is that some parts of the text though while correct, would not flow if read aloud.
STORY - 40
The story concerns a sort of cautionary tale which is broken up between two girls and a sort of conspiracy. While the conspiracy backstory is never explained (other than the fact it serves as the main axis of the plot in some way) the tale is interesting in many respects.
LEMON - 12
Despite the intentions of the author this story might come across as a sort of excuse to orchestrate a love story between two women. As I explained earlier the back story is never solved and simply leaves a rather grim sort of happy ending. The slight bondage characteristics of the final scene is notable for those who cater to it.
QUALITY - 13
Now for the final thought. I'm going to explain some of things I talked about before with sound.
This line bothers me: After moving a few piles of garbage (or "important computer material" as Yolei called it), she threw a small item to Hawkmon, who caught it with his wings.
The reason this line gets under my skin is that the author fails to describe what the characters are seeing, it could have been black, or see through. Even though it is described immediately afterwards, it would pay to give some sort of action to the scene to leave a bit more description. The trick is to let the reader know in a way of whats going on, without being too descriptive. The text can't force the person reading it to double back and have to think about what hes reading. It has to flow with a sense of functionality and form.
The glass was almost empty when Kari's eyes flew open with a start, reminding the bird Digimon of various zombie movies. But unlike the undead, the Destined of Light moved swift and fast, dashing to the toilet, guided by primal instincts.
That's an excellent example of prose and function, the reader can enjoy things like that very highly.
Total: 81
***
Complicate me
SEMANTICS - 15
Only for certain typo's.
Also this: A long line of lightpoles followed the road to its invisible end, casting their black reflections on the asphalt.
The "Long line of lightpoles," can be either hated or liked by a reader. Best to look through your stuff and watch for these. They call this alliteration, used correctly, subtly, it can be great. But in this case the line there jumps out at you. That is the point i'm trying to make; you can't hang the reader up with stuff like that. The "black bird" example you used to describe Saberdramon is short and sweet, thats what I mean by subtle.
STORY - 46
The author is very talented with his prose; very nice imagery. The story is played out very well, but lags in parts. Although the ending leaves the reader with a sort of muted silence that is appropriate for a good story.
LEMON - 13
I would have given a higher rating for this part but the sexual descriptions kind of got in the way. The use of the sort of porno-ish terms like "load" and "staff" can't be taken seriously. That's what I think anyway, what the fuck do I know.
QUALITY - 15
I'd say this would be required reading for romance if the lemon scene was done with more... "restraint." I say this because the author has perfect ability to write a non-adult romance which could be enjoyed by all. Not just by the members of the digi-lemon community. I'd say stick with your writing, your good enough to write other stuff than porn.
Total: 88
***
Between friends and lovers
SEMANTICS - 11
The paragraphs were done correctly, indented with the tab key as was the dialouge. But I feel this one suffered a bit from poor sentence construction. You need to decide wether your going to keep a sentence short or long, or in this case it should have been in between. A few of your lines in the text seem to run on which freaks me out. Try to keep them not to long, and if they look short, lengthen them. like this:
"You haven't touched it yet." Kari said, half suggesting his next move.
This line here is a little better. The first three or four jumped out at me though, which i'll show you now.
This would be the final game of the regular season and if they didn't win they wouldn't make the playoffs and this game would be Sora's last. He, Sora and Matt had all just graduated and high school started in two weeks. Mimi and Izzy being a year younger would graduate the following year and Joe had just finished his first year in high school.
The continuing on with the use of the word "and" here really doesn't sound too good. Doing it that way makes your sentences too long, use punctuation marks to seperate when you can.
STORY - 35
The story adds a sort of despairing feeling into the reader from the get go, thats good. And it climaxes in its own way so its not really that bad.
LEMON -9
Lemon part could use some help. As I suggested before in my little review session here it might help if you only insinuate at the sex at first. Like letting the reader know its going on without drudging into full scale descriptions. There is promise in this authors work though, make no mistake.
QUALITY - 8
The text has some normal problems that could be worked out with time. For one thing it doesn't help the author to make the characters act well, out of character. I felt there was some bad OOC problems here, but that didnt discourage me from finishing reading. The author simply needs to devolop his or her own style, as well as work a believeable set of personae for the characters. (Persona's.)
Total: 63
***
Love story
SEMANTICS - 7
The use of playwright type dialouge really freaks me out. Not sure if I should complain about it, since it does look pretty easy to pull off. But in this case here it doesn't win you any extra points I dont think. You also got some major grammer problems you need to work out here. I think Captain Kirk needs to beam ya down a copy of Websters dictionary before anything man, no offense.
STORY - 24
I think out of anything the story really did the worst. One thing with writing is that you need to actually have some sort of point or plotline to a story. Otherwise it kinda becomes just a bunch of stuff that happens, which is what happened here.
LEMON - 8
I guess thats lemony, nothing I myself would like though. Don't mind me, i'm into that new fangled fancy stuff.
QUALITY - 5
Just work on your plots and your use of dialouge and grammer; then I think you can begin to do some nice work.
Total: 44
***
Chronosphere
SEMANTICS - 11
Some careless spelling mistakes here, overall nothing to grimace about grammer wise. Some lines could be revised though.
STORY - 39
The author creates his own little microcosmos in the text. I think a few bits of the story were highly predictable, not exactly making it a foul experience, but sort of drags on the readers attention. A few parts of the story were sort of hard to swallow, with the aliens and such. The prescence of a secret government agency watching everything unfold sort of cheapened the experience for me. Even though the storyline was put through meticulous devising i'm not sure it would please many with the different plot elements.
LEMON - 12
The qaulity of the lemon stuff here is a bit average from what i've seen. Not bad in any way, just not outstanding.
QUALITY - 14
I believe mostly what this work needs is some proofreading. Thats about it.
Total: 76
***
Inhibitions
SEMANTICS - 16
There seemed to be some slight fumbling with tenses in a few parts here, professionally speaking this is very bad, but I wont deduct much for it. The text utilizes some very good prose, has some sound problems; the term 'sound' us used for how words blend together. What I mean by sound problem is that some parts of the text though while correct, would not flow if read aloud.
STORY - 40
The story concerns a sort of cautionary tale which is broken up between two girls and a sort of conspiracy. While the conspiracy backstory is never explained (other than the fact it serves as the main axis of the plot in some way) the tale is interesting in many respects.
LEMON - 12
Despite the intentions of the author this story might come across as a sort of excuse to orchestrate a love story between two women. As I explained earlier the back story is never solved and simply leaves a rather grim sort of happy ending. The slight bondage characteristics of the final scene is notable for those who cater to it.
QUALITY - 13
Now for the final thought. I'm going to explain some of things I talked about before with sound.
This line bothers me: After moving a few piles of garbage (or "important computer material" as Yolei called it), she threw a small item to Hawkmon, who caught it with his wings.
The reason this line gets under my skin is that the author fails to describe what the characters are seeing, it could have been black, or see through. Even though it is described immediately afterwards, it would pay to give some sort of action to the scene to leave a bit more description. The trick is to let the reader know in a way of whats going on, without being too descriptive. The text can't force the person reading it to double back and have to think about what hes reading. It has to flow with a sense of functionality and form.
The glass was almost empty when Kari's eyes flew open with a start, reminding the bird Digimon of various zombie movies. But unlike the undead, the Destined of Light moved swift and fast, dashing to the toilet, guided by primal instincts.
That's an excellent example of prose and function, the reader can enjoy things like that very highly.
Total: 81
***
Complicate me
SEMANTICS - 15
Only for certain typo's.
Also this: A long line of lightpoles followed the road to its invisible end, casting their black reflections on the asphalt.
The "Long line of lightpoles," can be either hated or liked by a reader. Best to look through your stuff and watch for these. They call this alliteration, used correctly, subtly, it can be great. But in this case the line there jumps out at you. That is the point i'm trying to make; you can't hang the reader up with stuff like that. The "black bird" example you used to describe Saberdramon is short and sweet, thats what I mean by subtle.
STORY - 46
The author is very talented with his prose; very nice imagery. The story is played out very well, but lags in parts. Although the ending leaves the reader with a sort of muted silence that is appropriate for a good story.
LEMON - 13
I would have given a higher rating for this part but the sexual descriptions kind of got in the way. The use of the sort of porno-ish terms like "load" and "staff" can't be taken seriously. That's what I think anyway, what the fuck do I know.
QUALITY - 15
I'd say this would be required reading for romance if the lemon scene was done with more... "restraint." I say this because the author has perfect ability to write a non-adult romance which could be enjoyed by all. Not just by the members of the digi-lemon community. I'd say stick with your writing, your good enough to write other stuff than porn.
Total: 88
***
Between friends and lovers
SEMANTICS - 11
The paragraphs were done correctly, indented with the tab key as was the dialouge. But I feel this one suffered a bit from poor sentence construction. You need to decide wether your going to keep a sentence short or long, or in this case it should have been in between. A few of your lines in the text seem to run on which freaks me out. Try to keep them not to long, and if they look short, lengthen them. like this:
"You haven't touched it yet." Kari said, half suggesting his next move.
This line here is a little better. The first three or four jumped out at me though, which i'll show you now.
This would be the final game of the regular season and if they didn't win they wouldn't make the playoffs and this game would be Sora's last. He, Sora and Matt had all just graduated and high school started in two weeks. Mimi and Izzy being a year younger would graduate the following year and Joe had just finished his first year in high school.
The continuing on with the use of the word "and" here really doesn't sound too good. Doing it that way makes your sentences too long, use punctuation marks to seperate when you can.
STORY - 35
The story adds a sort of despairing feeling into the reader from the get go, thats good. And it climaxes in its own way so its not really that bad.
LEMON -9
Lemon part could use some help. As I suggested before in my little review session here it might help if you only insinuate at the sex at first. Like letting the reader know its going on without drudging into full scale descriptions. There is promise in this authors work though, make no mistake.
QUALITY - 8
The text has some normal problems that could be worked out with time. For one thing it doesn't help the author to make the characters act well, out of character. I felt there was some bad OOC problems here, but that didnt discourage me from finishing reading. The author simply needs to devolop his or her own style, as well as work a believeable set of personae for the characters. (Persona's.)
Total: 63
***
Love story
SEMANTICS - 7
The use of playwright type dialouge really freaks me out. Not sure if I should complain about it, since it does look pretty easy to pull off. But in this case here it doesn't win you any extra points I dont think. You also got some major grammer problems you need to work out here. I think Captain Kirk needs to beam ya down a copy of Websters dictionary before anything man, no offense.
STORY - 24
I think out of anything the story really did the worst. One thing with writing is that you need to actually have some sort of point or plotline to a story. Otherwise it kinda becomes just a bunch of stuff that happens, which is what happened here.
LEMON - 8
I guess thats lemony, nothing I myself would like though. Don't mind me, i'm into that new fangled fancy stuff.
QUALITY - 5
Just work on your plots and your use of dialouge and grammer; then I think you can begin to do some nice work.
Total: 44
***
Chronosphere
SEMANTICS - 11
Some careless spelling mistakes here, overall nothing to grimace about grammer wise. Some lines could be revised though.
STORY - 39
The author creates his own little microcosmos in the text. I think a few bits of the story were highly predictable, not exactly making it a foul experience, but sort of drags on the readers attention. A few parts of the story were sort of hard to swallow, with the aliens and such. The prescence of a secret government agency watching everything unfold sort of cheapened the experience for me. Even though the storyline was put through meticulous devising i'm not sure it would please many with the different plot elements.
LEMON - 12
The qaulity of the lemon stuff here is a bit average from what i've seen. Not bad in any way, just not outstanding.
QUALITY - 14
I believe mostly what this work needs is some proofreading. Thats about it.
Total: 76