09-14-2006, 01:28 PM
Marine Wrote:There's alot of things that need massive tinkering in my opinion, maybe a complete clean-through as well.
1.) Your character sounds like your typical Gary Stue, masculine stereotype. Nothing can ever really hurt him. He excels at wielding a weapon. He can take down three men and almost an Ultimate digimon without being weathered. This is rather boring to me. It seems like there's no entire weakness to your character at all, not a subtle quirk, not even the mark on his hand.
2) There's too many 'was's and 'has's. These verbs lack action. Usually, 'was' is used for the subject recieving the action. Sometimes 'was' is used to state obvious fact. In this case, there's too many useless verbs where better ones could be.
That's all I can think of now....
2.Agreed.
1.Given that we're in the second End Game universe, I'm wondering if Izzy accidentally fathered a son. That's all I can think of to pass off this kind of power.
3.I'm sorry, but your Epsilon needs work. Ever crafty Epsilon barely ever needs to resort to pure and direct violence. She uses her sleeping powder in the end of this chapter, and in my opinion she should have either done that first, or subdued David, fucked him (one of the few characters who would fuck so randomly, and Red Rover's caught a lot of flak for that), and then powdered him. She would not have fought to a standstill.