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+--- Thread: Joke time! (/showthread.php?tid=7161)
Joke time! - Humon - 05-23-2007
Derek was at a wal-mart waiting in line to buy dog food, and a woman behind him asked "Do you have a dog?"
"No," Derek said, casually, "I am starting the Pedigree diet again, although I shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital last time, but I lost 50 Pounds before I woke up in an Intensive Care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV drips in both of my arms. It is an almost perfect diet." he said as people start paying attention around him. "The way it works is if you get a little hungry, just pop a few in your mouth. It's nutritionally complete so I was thinking to try it again."
"Was the dog food the reason you were in the hospital?" the woman asked, "Did the dog food poison you?"
"No," Derek replied, "it was because I was sitting in the middle of the road licking my balls and a car hit me."
several people started laughing, making the woman feel embarassed.
"Of course I have a dog," Derek said, sarcastically, "why else would I buy dog food."
RE: Joke time! - DragonMasterX - 05-23-2007
That's half-funny, is it a modified joke? I can swear I can detect them from about seven thousand miles. I think someone else had made a topic for jokes before, wait- lol it was you before, wasn't it?
RE: Joke time! - Erethzium - 05-23-2007
A tourist was on a boat on a stream in africa. his boat cap-sized, and he couldnt get it to flip back over. he looked around and saw someone walking on the beach about 150ft away. "HEY! do you know if there are any alligators in this stream?" he shouted. the person looked at him and said "Naw man! we dont got no 'gators! we got rid of em a while ago!" and laughed. the tourist sighed in relief and kept trying to flip his boat back over. "Say, how did you get rid of them?" the person laughed again. "we didn' do nothin' man! the sharks got em!"
BA DUM BSSHH!
RE: Joke time! - Humon - 05-23-2007
a buddy of mine faxed it to me so if it was a modified copy, I have no clue. I liked it very much anyway lol
haha that was a good one Ange!
RE: Joke time! - Gol22 - 05-23-2007
3 guys go to work, a Irish guy, a Mexican guy, and a White guy.
They go on their lunch break and sit together. Irish guy looks in his lunch box and finds corn beef and cabbage. He says....
"Man, if i get corn beef and cabbage again for lunch, im jumping off a buiding..."
The mexican guy looks in his lunch box and finds that he has bean and cheese burrito. He says....
"Aww...you know what? If i get another burrito the next time, im going to jump with you."
The white guy then opens his lunch box and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwitch. He says...
"Hey man, if i get another PB & J sandwitch again, im going with both of you."
So the next day, lunch break comes....the three guys get their lunch and look and see what they got.
The Irish guy looks, and guess what he has.......... corn beef and cabbage... *SPLAT*
The Mexican guy looks, what does he have? ........... bean and cheese burrito... Ayyyeee! *SPLAT*
The White guy looks, what it is? .........you guess it... PB&J sandwitch.... Cowabunga!! *SPLAT*
The next day then, their wifes all come to their funeral that the three of them had together. The Irish guys wifes cries...
"Oh i should have never made him corn beef and cabbage!" *crying*
The mexican guys wife then cries...
"Aye... i should have never made him anymor been and cheese burritos..." *cry*
The white guys wife stands there in a mellow mood and says...
"What? He made his own lunch..."
RE: Joke time! - Humon - 05-23-2007
haha! that one was awesome!
RE: Joke time! - Humon - 05-23-2007
This guy who works at a pickle factory comes home and hands his wife 50 dollars. She asked him what it was from and he told her that he won it in a bet -- the guys at the factory bet him 50 dollars that he wouldn't stick his dick in the pickle slicer.
The wife was surprised and said she wanted to make sure he was still intact. He pulled down his pants and, indeed, it was all there, unharmed.
RE: Joke time! - Humon - 05-23-2007
A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.
The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."
The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."
The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."
The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."
The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."
The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
RE: Joke time! - DragonMasterX - 05-23-2007
Got a short one, taken from my MP4:
A father told his son: "Son, I'll tell you the two main secrets for being a successful business man. The first one is to always keep up your promises and never forget about them, it's very important and will affect your whole career."
"What's the other one?" the son asked.
The father squinted his eyes at his son and put a hand to his shoulder, "Never make promises like that."
Oh, and another silly one from my sis:
A man sat down at the cafe to have breakfast. When the waitress was next to him, she asked: "What are you having, sir?"
"A couple of eggs and a kind word" he said.
Smiling, the waitress left. A little while later, she returned with the eggs on a plate and placed it next to the man. "Here you are sir" she said.
"Thanks, and what about the kind word?"
The waitress leaned towards him with a smile and whispered: "Don't eat the eggs."
RE: Joke time! - Shadowknight - 05-23-2007
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on to neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
********************
A man was riding down the road when all of a sudden god appeared before him, "In all your life you have only done good. For that I will reward you with whatever you wish."
The man thought about it for a bit and then looked at his bike and smiled, "I want a road to Hawaii, so I can ride out there anytime I want."
"Are you kidding?" God asked slightly amazed, "Do you realize the strain that would put on this planet? The resources needed would be astronomical. It would consume all the resources on this planet."
"Oh, guess I hadn't thought of that." The man admitted, "Well then, I want to be able to understand my wife, to know what she means when she says 'everything's fine' and 'nothing's wrong'"
God stroked his beard a bit, "Okay then," He said and cracked his knuckles, "Do you want that bridge to be one lane or two?"