Season 4: Wisemon’s Alternate Ending Series

Part 14: I’ll Be Mellow When I’m Dead

By Wisemon


Digimon is the property of Toei Animation.  This story contains lyrics by Godsmack and modified quoted lyrics by Drowning Pool, Nirvana, Hole, Papa Roach, Denis Leary, and The Rolling Stones (technically, they’re still a rock band who had a hit song in the 90’s).  A whole lot of stuff happened in the last story.  Kouji was limping after being in the “Junpei Trap”, and his head was busted open from a “Shibayama DDT” into a brick floor.  Takuya and Izumi fooled around to piss off Junpei, but Takuya was the one who ended up pissed off…in his pants.  Izumi explained the plan, and Junpei and Izumi made up.  Junpei gained ownership of ShiningCloudCastle and leadership of the team.  This story and the next one are going to be very heavy on the drama and the symbolism, so get ready to look for the clues.  Also, if you haven’t read the stories that come before this one, you’re going to miss a lot of the jokes, along with some other clever stuff.  This story contains mortal violence, subdued sex, and bad language.  If you’re under 18, stop reading now.



            The whole group was a little worn out, especially the older boys.  Still, they all felt stronger for surviving their fiasco, except for Takuya.  He was stripped of his authority, his respect, and his dignity.  “Alright Junpei, you’re the new leader.  What do we do now?” Takuya asked bitterly.

            Before Junpei could answer, both of the castle doors were flung open.  A large rabbit digimon in a clown suit was standing at the entrance.  “You didn’t think you’d seen the last of me, did you?” Kerpymon asked rhetorically.  “I’m here to challenge you to the final battle.  Take VerticalTrailmon all the way down; I’ll be waiting for you there.”

            As Kerpymon began to walk away, Junpei realized that the evil digimon was trespassing on his new property.  “Hey, you, get off of my cloud!”

            Kerpymon ignored Junpei and kept walking.  Eventually, he vanished from the view of the group.

            “This smells like a trap to me,” Kouji said.  “Unfortunately, I’m not the leader.  What’s the plan, doughboy?”

            Junpei noticed that Kouji didn’t call him a “fat fuck” or a “fucking pansy”.  “I think I’m growing on him,” Junpei thought.  “Now, should we accept Kerpymon’s challenge?”

            Izumi answered on behalf of Junpei.  “We’re going to have to fight him anyway, so let’s go after him.  The sooner we beat him, the sooner we can get it on, I mean get on, with our lives.  There, it’s decided.”

            “Wait a minute, is your name Junpei?” Kouji asked sarcastically.

            “Hey Kouji, academically, Izumi is as far beyond you as you are beyond Takuya.  So, whether or not she’s the leader, her views deserve attention,” Junpei commented.  “Her argument is sound; there’s no point in delaying the inevitable.”

            “You fat fuck, stop kissing her ass!” Kouji told Junpei.  Junpei didn’t say anything, but a goofy grin appeared on his face.  It didn’t take long for Kouji to figure out what he’d triggered.  “You fucking retard, stop imagining literally kissing her ass!”

            “Look buddy, you know I’m not thrilled about it, but you’re the leader now.  You’re the leader, not Izumi.  We all know that you’re the smartest, and you usually make pretty good decisions, which is why we don’t have a problem with letting you be in charge.  However, Izumi is notorious for making a horrible decision,” Takuya noted.  “You should know; you’re the one who bailed her out.  I know why you’re tempted to listen to her.  I know that your intentions are pure.  You’re thinking with your heart, but that’s still not high enough on the body.”

            “Coming from someone who fucked up his head, that’s awfully hypocritical,” Junpei replied.  “Yeah, she made a mistake, but I ‘bailed her out’ so she’d have a second chance.  When she made her mistake, she wasn’t thinking with her head or her heart, but she’s gained some wisdom since then.  Anyway, I still agree with her.”

            “We’re going to battle Kerpymon, right?” Tomoki assumed.  “Let’s end the fight together.  So…can we go now?”


            Junpei, Izumi, Tomoki, Takuya, Kouji, and Angewomon arrived at the Cloud Terminal, where Bokomon was waiting for them.  “That was certainly a long meeting,” Bokomon commented.

            “Um, there was some friction.”  Takuya was good at making understatements.

            “Bokomon, guess what happened.”  Tomoki was too excited to give Bokomon a chance to guess.  “Kerpymon challenged us to one last battle, and we’re going to make him our bitch of burden.”

            “Angewomon, he got that one from you.”  Ever since Tomoki told Kouji to go fuck himself, Takuya had decided to keep track of where the eight year old was learning his foul language.

            “We can fight Kerpymon later; we’re not done reuniting,” Bokomon said.  “We need to go back for Neemon.”

            “Izumi, what did you tell him?” Junpei asked warily.

            “I didn’t exactly lie, although I might’ve been a little misleading.  I told Bokomon, ‘We lost Neemon on the way over here.’  I said ‘lost’ to be polite, as in, ‘I’m sorry for your loss.’  It’s not my fault if he thought that I meant it literally.”  Izumi knew that she would be blamed for Bokomon’s confusion, so she’d worked out her defense the night before.

            “Neemon is lost in the woods, isn’t he?”  Bokomon already knew the answer, but he was trying to get into a comfortable state of denial.

            “Yeah right, and Junpei is in perfect physical and mental health, Izumi isn’t a manipulative pervert, Tomoki is useful, and Takuya isn’t a pants pissing pussy.”  Kouji turned the sarcasm up to maximum strength.

            “Man, that was harsh,” Junpei commented.  “Bokomon, Neemon was a digimon; you know he’ll come back…unlike Kouichi.”

            “Start me up; I dare you.”  Kouji knew that Junpei’s last two words were intended more for his ears than Bokomon’s.

            “You should come with us on this one, because, in a way, we’re all fighting for Neemon.  His fractal code was taken by a squadron of Tankmon who were working for Kerpymon.”  Junpei had a feeling that the group was going to need Bokomon’s expertise.

            “I came far too close to getting crushed as a spectator during the last fight with Kerpymon.  I appreciate the offer, but I’m going to have to refuse it,” Bokomon told Junpei.

            “Let me put it this way, you’re coming with us, and you don’t have a choice.”  Junpei’s tone became firm and intimidating, like it was when he gave his first order to Takuya.

            “Did I miss something?” Bokomon inquired.  “Who died and made Junpei the boss?”

            “Weren’t you listening?  Kouichi did,” Junpei retorted.  “Well, he did it indirectly.  His death sparked a battle for leadership.  I won the battle when Takuya’s scheme left me shattered.  I saw Takuya, and I wanted to paint him red, but I settled for yellow.  Kouji bled the color everywhere, in his hair, and his forehead.”

            “Alright, I’ll come with you.”  Bokomon couldn’t stand to hear about gory endings to fights.  It was too late; the image of Angemon’s head at his feet flashed back into his mind.


            Junpei, Izumi, Tomoki, Takuya, Kouji, Angewomon, and Bokomon crammed themselves into VerticalTrailmon.  “I’ll be damned; Junpei isn’t the one who’s taking up the most room,” Kouji noted.  “Angewomon, those wings were useful for float fucking, but can’t you retract them?”

            “Sorry, but I’m an Angewomon, not an ArchAngewomon,” Angewomon replied.

            “Kouji, what’s your problem?” Junpei asked.  “It’s nice and cozy in here.”  Of course, Junpei had made sure to press himself against Izumi (unfortunately, she was facing away from him; he was in a corner), so his opinion was probably a little biased.  Junpei was debating with himself whether or not to wrap his arms around Izumi when he remembered the purpose of the coziness.  “VerticalTrailmon, take us all the way down.”  Junpei snaked his arms around Izumi’s midsection.

            “You fucking idiots, the bottom floor is the first level of the digital hell!” VerticalTrailmon informed the group.

            “Whatever, just do your job and take us there,” Kouji commanded.  The elevator digimon began to go down with its legendary passengers.

            “You know, Junpei, this is going to be a pretty long ride.”  Izumi grabbed the arms that were around her midriff, separated them, and moved their hands up to her chest.  “Yeah, let’s move your hands up, or better yet, let’s move them down.”

            Takuya cut off Izumi’s hedonism.  “Let’s not, and say we did.  We’re in a small space, and we can already smell my semen and urine, and Kouji’s blood.  Isn’t that enough bodily fluids for one digital elevator?”

            “It’s not fair,” Izumi complained.  “You got a hand job; how come I can’t get no satisfaction?  At least mine would be from the right person.”

            “As we speak, you’re adding body odor to the list of smells.  Buddy, look behind you,” Takuya instructed.  Izumi turned her head and saw that Junpei was blushing and sweating up a storm.

            “‘The right person’, you have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that.”  Despite Izumi’s promise of love, Junpei knew that it would take an eavesdropping situation, such as this one, for him to fully believe her.

            Tomoki was starting to get nauseous, but he wasn’t sure if it was because of the motion of VerticalTrailmon, or because of Junpei and Izumi.  “I have a question.  If all of us could barely fit into here, how did Kerpymon squeeze into this thing?”

            “He probably did it the same way that a rabbit fits into a magician’s hat,” Junpei hypothesized.

            “And that is…?”  Tomoki wanted a straight answer.

            “I can’t tell you that!  The World Alliance of Magicians would have my head,” Junpei replied.  “Do you know why the Masked Magician stopped giving away secrets?  He’s buried next to Jimmy Hoffa.”

            “Buddy, I know that’s supposed to be funny, but the reference is lost on us,” Takuya informed Junpei.

            “Your act needs less Dennis Miller, and more Denis Leary,” Kouji advised.

            “Yeah, you would like Denis Leary,” Junpei pretended to cough while he muttered, “‘cause you’re an asshole.”


            VerticalTrailmon stopped and opened its doors; everybody walked out onto a rocky surface.  With the exceptions of Junpei and Izumi, the group was grateful to have their personal space back.  They found that they were in a short tunnel.  VerticalTrailmon was at one end, and there was a large iron door at the other end.

            “Alright, I think we have to go through this door,” Takuya said as he approached the forged structure.  “There’s an inscription on it, ‘Abandon hope all ye who enter here.’  They don’t know me very well.  It would take an awful lot to get me to abandon my hope.”  Takuya pushed on the door as hard as he could, but it wasn’t budging.  “Um, we might have a problem.”

            “Stand aside, pussy.”  Kouji walked up to the door and pushed as hard as he could; it still wasn’t budging.  “Fuck this, Unity Execute: Unified Spirit Evolution!”  Kouji took Junpei’s spirit of thunder and his dead brother’s spirit of darkness to become, “MagnaGarurumon!”

            “Buddy, isn’t this a bit of overkill for a door?” Takuya questioned.

            “You fucking pothead, as soon as we get through the door, we’re going to be facing Kerpymon,” MagnaGarurumon explained.  “Fucking door, suck on this, Magna Rockets!”  MagnaGarurumon shot a barrage of exploding projectiles from the weapon on his left forearm, but they didn’t make a scratch in the door.  “What the fuck?  I’ll try using my rifle.”

            “Save your ammo,” Junpei told MagnaGarurumon as he strolled over to the door.  “I’ll open this thing.”

            “How do you plan to do that?” MagnaGarurumon asked.  “You can’t evolve; I have your spirit.”

            “I don’t need to evolve to get this door open,” Junpei replied.  “Do you see how this door has a handle?  That usually implies that you’re supposed to pull it, like this.”  The door was heavy, so Junpei had to pull hard, but eventually, he got the door open.  Junpei looked back at MagnaGarurumon, and then he looked at Takuya.  “I’ve never said this out loud before, but now that I’m the leader, I can say it.  You guys are incompetent.”

            “I’ve said that about those two all along,” Bokomon chimed in.  “Junpei, I was impressed with how you opened that heavy door.”

            “Yeah, Junpei is good with his hands,” Izumi agreed while emphasizing the “good” in a devilish way.  She left no doubt in anyone’s mind; the alternate meaning was being implied.

            “That’s too much information!” Takuya and MagnaGarurumon bellowed simultaneously.


            The group passed through the doorway.  The room was a cave-like structure, about the same size and shape as a large auditorium.  At the far end of it (the “stage”), there was a very large hole in the ground.

            Logically, MagnaGarurumon should’ve led the way, but as usual, Takuya was in front.  A stone under Takuya’s right foot went straight into the ground, the trigger for a trap.  Suddenly, an eight foot high translucent plastic dome came from the ground and enveloped Takuya.  “What the hell is this?” Takuya asked.

            Kerpymon emerged from the hole in the ground.  He was carrying the end of a stream of fractal code that seemed to emanate from somewhere in the hole.  “That, Mr. Jump in Trap Fast, is an anti-spirit dome.  As long as that dome is around you, you can’t evolve.  It’s alright now; in fact, it’s a gas.  Unfortunately, the barrier works both ways.  I can’t hurt you while you’re inside it.”

            “I never asked you to gimme shelter,” Takuya pointed out.

            “You can’t always get what you want,” Kerpymon replied.  “Do you see this fractal code stream that I’m holding?  It goes all the way down to the seventh level of the digital hell.  It took my minions a very long time to gather all of this fractal code, but now, time is on my side; yes, it is.  The ten legendary warriors trapped Lucemon in the seventh level of the digital hell, and you spoiled my only chance to free him.  However, a digimon who is far more evil than Lucemon can still be summoned, through a process known as DNA digivolution.  This fractal code stream will act as a bridge, connecting Lucemon’s data to my own.”  Kerpymon looked down and began shouting into the hole.  “Lucemon, let’s do it!”

            A faint “Lucemon!” cry came out of the hole.

            “Kerpymon!” Kerpymon shouted.  His data was digitized, and it mixed along the fractal code bridge with Lucemon’s.  “DNA digivolve to…”  The combined digimon began forming.  He had red skin, long horns, and longer claws.  “…On second thought, pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name.”

            “Is it Rumpelstilzchen?” Takuya quipped.

            “No, my name is HellDiaboromon,” the fused digimon answered with annoyance.  He looked like a regular Diaboromon, except his skin was red instead of purple, his armor was black instead of brown, and his claws were yellow instead of red.

            Bokomon pulled his book out of his waistband, and he turned to the page on HellDiaboromon.  “Well, there’s good news and bad news.  He’s not as powerful as Lucemon would’ve been.  However, he’s got some unique powers, namely morphing and specialized telepathy.  Apparently, there’s also a prophecy about him in the back of the book.”  Bokomon turned to the last page, the prophecy page.  He began reading aloud.  “‘The legendary warrior who defeats HellDiaboromon will become known as ‘The Digital Savior’, and he will be treated as a god among digimon.’  That sounds pretty nice.  ‘HellDiaboromon will be defeated after hell freezes over.’  Here it comes; here comes my nineteenth nervous breakdown.”


            “I don’t give a fuck about a prophecy, wild horses couldn’t drag me away from a fight,” MagnaGarurumon said.

            “Not so fast, you haven’t heard my offer,” HellDiaboromon told him.  “It’s a guarantee; you’re going to die.  You can die the hard way, or you can die the easy way.”

            “Doesn’t he get a third option, like a fiddling contest?” Junpei asked.

            “You fucking cow, stop using obscure references!” MagnaGarurumon shouted.

            HellDiaboromon ignored Junpei’s question.  “MagnaGarurumon, I can read your mind.  I can see your greatest fear, and your deepest desire.”

            “Yeah right, I’m not afraid of anything, and all I want to do is kick your ass,” MagnaGarurumon responded.

            A puzzled expression appeared on HellDiaboromon’s face.  “Damn, you weren’t kidding.  According to my psychic probe, you don’t have any fears, and you’ve given up on your desires.  Essentially, you’re the human equivalent of a machine.”

            “You’re partially right; I’m like a machine, but right now, I’m not human.  In case you didn’t notice, I’m a digimon.  I’m not just any digimon; I’m the one, who likes doing starburst hunts, and I like to launch my scuds, and I like to shoot my gun.  Do you know now what I mean?” MagnaGarurumon asked.

            “Yes, you want to do this the hard way,” HellDiaboromon answered.  “Since you don’t fear anything, I’ll fight you in this form.  You’ve made a very poor decision, but I guess I should’ve warned you.  Don’t play with me, because you’re playing with fire.”


            “MagnaGarurumon, don’t fight him yet!” Junpei ordered.  “Give me your D-Tector for safe keeping.”

            “What do you mean by ‘safe keeping’?”  MagnaGarurumon figured it out without Junpei’s help.  “You think that I’m going to lose, don’t you?”

            “I think that it’s a possibility.  You’ve always been practical; do the practical thing,” Junpei advised.  MagnaGarurumon materialized his D-Tector and tossed it to Junpei.  “Alright, now it’s time to get impractical.  If you’re going to beat this guy, you need to stop it with this ‘machine’ shit.  I can’t help you in this fight; you’re all by yourself, but you don’t have to be alone.  Think about your brother, or think about Angewomon.  You need to be driven by hate, or consumed by fear.”

            “I told you once, and I told you twice; well, this should be the last time.  You beat me by sneaking up on me.  Your ‘victory’ doesn’t prove a fucking thing,” MagnaGarurumon told Junpei.

            Junpei decided to borrow one of Kouji’s favorite sentence starters.  “Whatever, Tomoki, give him the fighting music.”  Tomoki took out Kouichi’s D-Tector.  “Tomoki, don’t even think about playing ‘Hungry Like The Wolf’!  The guy is about to put his life on the line; show him some respect.”  Tomoki took out his own D-Tector and started up “Whatever”.

            “If you want to step up, the first move is yours,” HellDiaboromon told MagnaGarurumon.

            “You just made your first mistake.  If it’s down to me, you’re about to be under my thumb.  Actually, my trigger finger will make the decisions, Barrel Fire!”  MagnaGarurumon fired the rifle in his right hand.  HellDiaboromon jumped straight up to avoid the blast.

            [And I wonder, day to day.  I don’t like you anyway.]

            “Are you impressed with my agility?” HellDiaboromon asked.  “Unlike your stereotypical goat legged devil, my wide feet allow me to leap like a frog.”

            [I don’t need your shit today.  You’re pathetic in your own way.]

            “Whatever, let’s see you dodge these, Magna Rockets!”  MagnaGarurumon launched a dozen small missiles from his left forearm.

            [I feel for you.  Better fuckin’ go away.]

            “I can’t dodge all of those,” HellDiaboromon noted.  “So, I’ll block them, Literal Firewall!”  A wall of flames emerged from the ground in front of HellDiaboromon.  Naturally, the rockets detonated in the fire.

            [I will behave.  Better fuckin’ go away.]

            “That is so fucking cheap,” MagnaGarurumon commented as he laid down his rifle and removed his rocket launcher.  “On the plus side, now I get to fight you in close combat, Magna Kendo!”  A blade of light extended from a handle on each of MagnaGarurumon’s metal wristbands.  “This isn’t bad, but I’m more comfortable holding them like Lobomon, Magna Kendo: Manual!”  The handles separated from the wristbands, and by some unknown force, they flew into MagnaGarurumon’s hands.

            [I’m doing the best I ever did.  I’m doing the best that I can.  I’m doing the best I ever did.]


            “I’ll beat an easy fiend.  I do-with my blades of gleam.  I do-think you shit some poo.  You’re screwed-and you know it’s true.  I’ll take advantage while you set me up to fry.”  MagnaGarurumon rushed HellDiaboromon; he made sure to keep his twin Magna Kendo in front of him as a shield against the predictable fire attack.

            [I don’t need to fantasize.  You are my pets, all the time.]

            “You’ll never reach me, Habanero Breath!”  HellDiaboromon shot an intense inferno from his mouth.

            [I don’t mind if you go blind.  You get what you get until you’re through with my life.]

            MagnaGarurumon tried to hold off the fire stream with his blades, but eventually, the force knocked him down.  The heat left his armor blackened, and his body was feeling it too.  “Son of a bitch, I feel like a bean burrito that’s been in the microwave for too long.  I’ve got to find a way, a better way; I’d better wait for his next attack.”  MagnaGarurumon gingerly regained his verticality.

            [I feel for you.  Better fuckin’ go away.]

            “What a drag it is getting up,” HellDiaboromon snickered.  “I’ll help you on your way.  This is your dying day, Habanero Breath!”

            [I will behave.  You better go away.]

            “This time, I’m doing the dodging.”  MagnaGarurumon sidestepped the fire stream and rushed HellDiaboromon again.

            [I feel for you.  Better fuckin’ go away.]

            HellDiaboromon saw the blades of light coming in fast on his right side.  “I have to switch techniques, Literal Firewall!”

            [I will behave.  You better go away.]

            Instead of running into the flaming barrier as HellDiaboromon had hoped, MagnaGarurumon stopped himself and flew over it.  He got directly over HellDiaboromon’s head, and he turned both of his Magna Kendo downward, preparing for a stabbing dive.  “Unless he has a ‘Fire Ceiling’ defense, I’d say he’s finished,” MagnaGarurumon thought.

            [I’m doing the best I ever did.  I’m doing the best that I can.  I’m doing the best I ever did.  Now go away.]

            “Behold, my strongest attack, Hellacious Ignition!”  Everything within a thirty foot radius of HellDiaboromon was caught in a fiery explosion.  Of course, MagnaGarurumon was well within the radius.  The blast sent him flying back to the entrance, where the spectators all had disappointed looks on their faces.  He landed flat on his back; his fractal code was exposed.

            [I’m doing the best I ever did.  I’m doing the best that I can.  I’m doing the best I ever did.  Now go away.]


            Tomoki stopped the music and put away his D-Tector.  Conversely, Junpei took out his D-Tector.  “Polkamon, this better fucking work, Execute: Energy Drain!”  A beam of blue light went from MagnaGarurumon’s body into Junpei’s D-Tector.

            “What are you doing?” HellDiaboromon asked.  “I beat him; his fractal code is rightfully mine.”

            “I didn’t take his fractal code,” Junpei responded.  “It’s all yours, but only if you let us keep our spirits.”

            “You’re bargaining with me?  Fine, it’s a deal; I don’t need the spirits anyway.”  HellDiaboromon absorbed MagnaGarurumon’s fractal code.  The spirit of thunder returned to Junpei’s D-Tector, the spirit of darkness returned to Kouichi’s D-Tector, and the other three spirits returned to Kouji’s D-Tector.  MagnaGarurumon reverted back to Kouji.

            “Kouji was our best fighter.  If he couldn’t beat this guy, I think we’re all screwed,” Angewomon commented.

            “First of all, what do you mean by ‘our’?” Izumi asked.  “When did you become a legendary warrior?  Second of all, the incident in the castle proved that Kouji isn’t the best fighter.  I’ve got the best fighter.”

            “No, you’ve got an obsessed lunatic,” Angewomon retorted.

            “I strongly suggest that you two hens shut your mouths,” HellDiaboromon said.  “I’m about to kill your friend; it should be a somber moment.  Where did he go?”

            While HellDiaboromon was distracted by Izumi and Angewomon’s bickering, Kouji had gotten a hold of MagnaGarurumon’s rifle.  Unfortunately, it took him too long to lift the heavy weapon.  Before he could get the rifle into firing position, HellDiaboromon spotted him and stepped on his shiny shooter.  Kouji tried to pull his gun away, but HellDiaboromon was holding it down with his large foot.  Suddenly, several minor explosions echoed off of HellDiaboromon’s upper midsection, and the devil digimon fell backwards while clutching his chest.

            Junpei dropped MagnaGarurumon’s rocket launcher and ran to Kouji.  Angewomon also felt obligated to check on the fallen fighter, but Izumi, Tomoki, and Bokomon kept their distance.  Takuya wanted to come, but he was still trapped in the anti-spirit dome.  Of course, nobody had any sympathy for HellDiaboromon.  “Hey man, are you alright?” Junpei asked.

            “I couldn’t get a single shot in as MagnaGarurumon, but you hit him on your first try as a human,” Kouji noted.

            “Yeah, but I used a cheap shot; he expected all of your attacks.”  Junpei thought he could sense it; he had walked into a trap.  Kouji was going to bring up the cheap shot in their fight again.

            “You caught him off his guard.  It amazes me, the will of instinct.  It isn’t me; this fight is yours.  You’re the one who’s destined to be ‘treated as a god’.  You could do anything; you probably already have a plan for beating this mother fucker.  You don’t need me; I’m useless now.”  Kouji began taking off his shoes and socks.

            “You’re not useless,” Angewomon told him.  “You’re the best fucker I’ve ever had.  I need you for my own personal pleasures.”

            “That’s all I am, a machine for your use?  I guess I already knew that.”  The truth was hitting Kouji harder than anything HellDiaboromon could dish out.  He realized that Angewomon had more dominance over him than Izumi did over Junpei.  He realized that, indeed, he was the human equivalent of a machine.  Most of all, he realized that being a machine was not a good thing.  It was a meaningless existence, doing the tasks of others without taking any personal fulfillment.  Angewomon’s words convinced Kouji to go through with it.  He began lifting up MagnaGarurumon’s rifle.  Last time, the barrel was facing away from him while he lifted, but not this time.


            “What’s wrong with being my little sex machine?” Angewomon asked Kouji.  “You certainly seemed to enjoy it, and you fought hard enough to get me.”

            “Sex is hollow; love is strong, and I’m so weak,” Kouji responded.

            “You’re weak?  I don’t understand.”  Kouji’s enlightenment was beyond Angewomon’s comprehension.

            “I’m weak because I can’t love anybody.  That’s the reason why Junpei beat me.  I don’t care about anyone else but me.  I don’t care about anyone, or anything, but me.”  Kouji brought the dangerous end of the rifle a few inches from his face, and he stared down the barrel.

            Junpei noticed what Kouji was doing, and he had to try to talk him out of it.  “You cared about your brother.”

            “I used to love him, but it’s all over now.  You killed him, remember?” Kouji asked rhetorically.  “I could’ve been capable of loving, but shit happened.  Let’s see, where do I begin?  It all started when I lost my mother.  If I’d gotten back and reunited with her…but it wasn’t meant to be.  I should have made my mother proud…I killed one angel and fucked another.  I’ve been a fighter my whole life, and those who live by the sword…I know; this isn’t a sword.  Still, fighting is all that I know, and I can’t even do that right.  Junpei, you were right all along.  The greatest weapon is motivation; unfortunately, I can’t get a permit to carry it.  Speaking of carrying weapons, the samurais carried two swords, a long one for combat, and a short one for suicide.  When they lost a duel, they were dishonored, and they had to kill themselves.”

            “Buddy, the days of the samurai are long gone,” Takuya interjected from his bubble.  “Please, drop the gun.  I know you lost your fractal code, but we’ll figure out a way to beat this guy.  Wait, how did you lose your fractal code anyway?  Shouldn’t you have simply devolved when you lost?”

            “I’ll field that question,” Bokomon said.  “The spirits of light and darkness are linked.  When Kouichi died, Kouji’s fractal code must’ve become more vulnerable.  If I recall correctly, my Angemon exposed Lobomon’s fractal code during their battle.”

            “Okay, that almost makes sense.  I’ve got another question.  Junpei managed to kill Kouichi because they were both in their human forms, but Kouji is holding a digital weapon to his head.  If he pulls the trigger, will anything happen?” Takuya asked.

            “Your theory is absolutely correct!”  Bokomon was astonished by Takuya’s powers of observation.

            “Actually, that was one of Junpei’s theories,” Takuya admitted.

            “Oh, I should’ve known.  Under normal circumstances, MagnaGarurumon’s rifle wouldn’t do any fatal damage to Kouji.  However, at that range, the force will blow his head off.  You humans need your heads to live, right?” Bokomon needlessly asked.

            “The head can survive for a few seconds without the body, but not the other way around,” Junpei inputted.

            “Takuya, you’ve got friends in a band.  Did you know that I’ve got a guitar?  It’s a blue electric that stands in my room.  I haven’t played it in years.  I took a few lessons from some pothead named Yutaka.  I learned the riff to ‘Smoke On The Water’, and that was about it.  I didn’t have time for guitar lessons and karate lessons, and I was already a blue belt at that point, so I gave up the guitar.”  Kouji wanted his last words to Takuya to be seemingly pointless, like something Takuya would say.  Then he reconsidered, and he went back to insulting him.  “I think you’re dumb, or maybe just happy.”


            “Takuya made a good point; this isn’t the time of the samurais.  You lost a fight; that’s no reason to kill yourself.  If we beat this guy, we’ll get your fractal code back.  Hey man, everything’s alright.”  Junpei was still trying to convince Kouji not to kill himself.

            “Yeah right, things have never been so swell.”  Kouji made his last sarcastic comment.  “You fucking retard, this isn’t about the fight.  It’s about the ‘machine’ thing.  I miss the comfort in being sad.  I have always failed to feel.  I can’t feel love, or fear, and I have a very high threshold for pain…pain…pain.  A lot of thought was put into this, and I always knew it would come to this.”

            “You want to feel something?  Feel these.”  Angewomon removed her armored bra, pushed the rifle aside, and shoved her tits into Kouji’s face.  “You don’t need love to be happy.  You just need some good times.  Now, suck them; pretend you’re drinking pennyroyal tea out of a bottle.”  Kouji was holding his mouth shut, but that didn’t stop Angewomon.  She grabbed his head and tried to pry his jaw open.  “Why are you fighting this?  You get what you want, and you never want it again.  You’re being illogical, and I don’t like that.”  Angewomon gave Kouji a hard backhand slap across his face.  “Do what I tell you, damn it!  Go on, suck on my things; I want you to.”

            Kouji just wanted to die with dignity.  “Junpei, would you please get this bitch off of me?  She’s making a mockery of my death.”

            “Sorry man, but I can’t touch her,” Junpei responded.

            “Yeah, I’m the only woman he’ll touch,” Izumi pointed out.  “Kouji, the ‘cunt’ is coming to your rescue.”  Izumi snuck up behind Angewomon, put Angewomon’s right arm over the back of her head, wrapped her left arm around Angewomon’s midsection, put her right arm behind Angewomon’s knees, and lifted Angewomon into a cradle position (a belly to back suplex setup).  Then she swung Angewomon’s legs over her right shoulder while she spun Angewomon’s body clockwise.  Izumi dropped to her knees, and she smashed the back of Angewomon’s head against the rocky ground in a modified powerbomb.  “I call that the ‘Eye Of The Tiger’.  You know, because I’m the ‘Italian Stallion’.”

            “I’d call it ‘unnecessary’,” Takuya said.  “Um, how did you lift her up?  Oh that’s right, she floats naturally.  When I get out of this thing, I want my left glove back.  I don’t want it used for violence.”

            “Kouji was right; you really are a pussy,” Izumi commented.


            Kouji shifted MagnaGarurumon’s rifle until the barrel was pointing at his face again.  He saw that Junpei had gotten close enough to knock away the gun.  “Don’t try to stop me.  I already told you; I can’t go on living this way.  Now if you wouldn’t care, I would like to leave.”

            “Yeah, I understand.  There have been times in my life when I’ve considered suicide.  They were lonely times.  I had a lot of love to give, and nobody to give it to.  I survived with the hope that I would find that special person.”  Junpei knew that Kouji’s situation had a key difference.  “You don’t have any love to give, so there can never be a special person.  I won’t try to stop you, but I’ll remind you that you won’t get a second chance.  Death is scientifically permanent, and there’s no afterlife, no reincarnation, and no nirvana.”

            “Huh, Junpei, you’re really going to let him kill himself?”  Izumi didn’t understand it.  Then she realized why she didn’t understand it.  “Oh, I get it; it’s a guy thing, right?”

            “You see, I told you she was smart,” Junpei said to Kouji.

            “In that case, maybe I don’t regret not raping her,” Kouji replied.

            “I’ve played a doctor before, and if you don’t kill yourself in the next minute, I’m playing Dr. Kevorkian,” Junpei threatened.

            Kouji slipped his big toe into the trigger ring.  “Goodbye, tubby Junpei.  Who would hang around with you?  When you complained about walking every fucking day…still, I’m going to miss you.  Part of me doesn’t want to go, but unfortunately, there’s just no place for a street fighting man.”  Kouji slowly pulled the trigger.  “You know you’re right…about everything.”  The trigger went all the way down, and the blast took off Kouji’s head.  The body hit the ground, and blood started rushing out of the stump between Kouji’s shoulders.  Meanwhile, as Junpei had theorized, the head remained intact.  It landed next to Bokomon’s feet.

            Bokomon looked down at Kouji’s head.  “As gruesome as this is, there’s some poetic justice in it.”  Kouji’s eyes blinked for the last time, and Bokomon jumped.

            “He really did it.”  Izumi looked at Kouji’s decapitated body, and then she looked at the recovering Angewomon.  “You pushed him to do this.  His head is on your head.  Literally it’s by Bokomon’s feet, but you know what I mean.  Now put your top back on!  This isn’t a movie about a pornographer in a wheelchair, or a holiday concert for charity in Boston.  This is the battle to save the digital world.”

            Angewomon grudgingly put her bra back on.  Then she rubbed the back of her head and neck.  “Someday, you will ache like I ache.”

            Izumi ignored Angewomon’s threat.  “Okay Junpei, you can open your eyes now.”

            “Yes, open your eyes and see your doom.”  HellDiaboromon was standing again.

            “Hey, wait, so glad you could make it, but you’re too late to kill Kouji,” Angewomon told him.

            “Angewomon, you ignorant slut, I let him kill himself.  I could’ve gotten up earlier, but I enjoyed listening to his inner turmoil.”  HellDiaboromon looked at Junpei.  “I thought I was untouchable, but you managed to hit me.  Clearly, you’re the brains of the group.  You’ve kept them alive up to this point, but that’s going to change.  Since you feel responsible for their lives, I’ll save you for last.  Yes, I’m so damn evil.”  HellDiaboromon shifted his gaze to Takuya.  He snapped his fingers, and the anti-spirit dome retracted back into the ground.  “Rumpelstilzchen, you’re next.”



            If you got the Masked Magician joke, that’s one point.  If you got the fiddling contest joke, that’s two points.  If you got the ArchAngewomon joke, that’s three points.  The arrival of HellDiaboromon was foreshadowed within the story.  I used the words “damned”, “snaked”, and “devilish”.  Also, my inscription was the same as Dante’s (there are various translations, but they all mean the same thing).  Are you wondering about that microwavable bean burrito metaphor?  Remember, Kouji had to go without a mom for a while.  Sometimes art imitates life.  Can you figure out whose lives I was partially imitating?  I certainly gave you enough clues.  There are two parallel characters, or if you’re really observant, three parallel characters, to real life (though not necessarily living) music celebrities.  Kouji’s guitar appeared in an actual episode; he was having a flashback while fighting Duskmon.  Needless to say, that works out nicely for me.  Why did I choose to quote Drowning Pool?  It’s the dead lead singer thing again.  This time, it isn’t drugs; it’s a broken heart.  Actually, for both Kouji and Dave Williams, the heart didn’t work right to begin with.  Drowning Pool also seemed appropriate because Kouji liked the hard stuff, like Godsmack.  Speaking of which, I made a reference in the last story to Kouji having a Boston personality.  I’ve got nothing against Boston or its people.  It’s one of my favorite cities.  I just happen to love interesting coincidences, and the celebrities and events from Boston form a bunch of them.  You saw two more in this story, Denis Leary and Hole’s performance at Boston’s Orpheum Theater.  There’ll be a reference to another Boston area celebrity in the next story.  As far as The Rolling Stones go, I think I quoted at least half of the “Forty Licks”, and a few that should’ve been licks.  The last one was “Street Fighting Man”, my personal favorite.  The semi-intentional irony is that Rage Against The Machine did a remake of this song.  It’s time to get this story licked:

Is the prophecy reliable?  Perhaps it should be interpreted literally.

HellDiaboromon can mentally discover a person’s greatest fear and deepest desire.

Kouji chooses to go out fighting, somewhat.  What will the others choose?  Takuya is up next.

Since Izumi assaults Angewomon, will they become friends like Junpei and Kouji?  No, it doesn’t work that way with girls.

Kouji thinks that Junpei will be the one who defeats HellDiaboromon, but a clue in the prophecy seemingly implies otherwise.

This story is my territorial pissing.  I’m claiming a monopoly on person for person parodies.  Are you pissed because I killed off Kouji?  Email me at

My university email address expires in May 2006, so I’ll also give you an alternate email address (I check it about twice per month):


©2003 By Benjamin Wiseman