Season 4: Wisemon’s Alternate Ending Series
Part 10: Addicted To Spuds
By Wisemon
Digimon is the property of Toei Animation. This story contains lyrics by Foo Fighters, modified quoted lines from Ghostbusters, a quoted concept from Scream, and in keeping with the Halloween motif, names of Smashing Pumpkins songs. This title requires a little explanation. Most of this story is a parody of a scene from my favorite movie, Ghostbusters. The green ghost from the movie (the special effects people called him Onionhead) would become Slimer in The Real Ghostbusters animated series, my favorite television show of all time (sorry Digimon, but no cartoon has ever been or will ever be in the same league as The Real Ghostbusters). Anyway, in the movie, Stantz refers to the green ghost as “an ugly little spud”, and the nickname “Spud” stuck with Slimer through the animated series. In this story, the legendary warriors face SlimeBakemon; that’s why I chose this title. I could move on and start the story now, but just like how I started the first story by defending Season 4, I want to start the tenth story by defending a theory that some might call farfetched. I think that Yu Yu Hakusho is a complete rip-off of The Real Ghostbusters. For one thing, right beside the “Yu Yu Hakusho” it says “Ghost Files”. That’s because Yusuke is a “Spirit Detective” that gets “cases” where his job is to exterminate demons using his “Spirit Gun”. That sounds awfully familiar to me. As obvious as this is, the first connection that I made between the two shows was the distinctive sound effects. The psychokinetic energy meter sound, the ghost appearing and disappearing sound, and the most noticeable, the proton stream sound, have all been used multiple times for various lamer purposes in Yu Yu Hakusho episodes. I checked the credits, and no, the shows don’t have the same sound guy, unless he used to go by a different name. As far as the characters go, Yu Yu Hakusho copied The Real Ghostbusters character for character. Yusuke is everybody’s favorite character, the joke cracking star of the show, just like Peter. Kuwabara is the childish, overgrown, orange haired loser with a heart of gold, just like Ray. Hiei is the cold, calculating, strategic know-it-all with multiple eyes, just like the four-eyes, Egon. Kurama is the token calm guy with very little character, just like Winston. Botan is the sometimes pleasant, other times annoying woman that gives them their cases and occasionally helps them, just like Janine. Puu is Slimer; that one is really obvious. Anyway, it feels good to get this theory off of my chest. Now the story can begin. This story contains violence, sexual dialogue, bad language, and a lot of stuff that could get me sued by Columbia Pictures if there wasn’t a copyright disclaimer. If you’re under 18, or if you’re a lawyer, stop reading now.
Junpei, Izumi, and Tomoki had said goodbye to Polkamon and had begun to continue to their journey, but they were missing a companion that they had before they got to their rest stop. “What are we going to tell Bokomon?” Tomoki asked.
“We’re going to tell him the same thing that we’re going to tell Kouji about Kouichi,” Junpei responded.
“And that is…?” Tomoki wanted a straight answer.
“I don’t know yet,” Junpei reluctantly replied, “but I’ll come up with something.”
Izumi was lagging behind a little, because about every fifty feet she would stumble, and on about every third stumble she would fall. She kept refusing help. “I’m just a little dizzy, but the pain isn’t nearly as bad as it was, so I’m fine.”
After her fourth fall, Junpei couldn’t take anymore. He helped her up, grabbed her right wrist with his right hand, got beside her, put her right arm over the back of his head, and wrapped his left arm around her midsection. “If you keep falling down, you’re going to get hurt.”
“I’m already hurt,” Izumi retorted. “If we walk like this, it’s going to really slow us down.”
“Your impression of me trying to ice skate is slowing us down even more.” Actually, Junpei preferred that they walk slower, now that he was holding Izumi. Still, they had to keep moving, and it was true that walking this way would slow Junpei down, but Tomoki wasn’t carrying any extra weight. Junpei had a brainstorm almost as good as Izumi’s. “I think we better split up.” Junpei immediately regretted his word choice.
“You mean you and me?” Izumi asked, already knowing the answer to that question. Despite her newfound acceptance of Junpei’s love, she still got a little kick out of torturing him.
“Hell no! Don’t even joke about that!” Junpei quickly regained his composure. “I mean I think that Tomoki should split up from us and go on ahead. Now that we know definitively how to communicate with each other using our D-Tectors, and how to trace each other, there’s really no harm in splitting up.”
Tomoki suspected that Junpei was making this decision just so that he and Izumi could be alone. Nonetheless, Tomoki appreciated Junpei’s confidence in his ability to handle himself. Takuya never would’ve let him walk alone through uncharted territory. “Cool, I’ll take the lead, and you guys will catch up to me when you’re finished…walking. We can do more damage that way.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Junpei asked. Tomoki didn’t answer him; he just kept walking forward at a brisker pace than before. Junpei and Izumi also moved forward, but their four legged speed was much slower than either one’s two legged speed. It wasn’t long before Tomoki was out of their sight.
A couple of hours later, Tomoki found himself at the entrance to a dark forest. “I think I’m supposed to go through it,” Tomoki said to himself. “It might be spooky looking, but I have no real reason to be afraid. I can do this…alone…Execute: Spirit Evolution!” Tomoki became the cub who made every breath he blew at less than the Celsius scale’s “Zero”, “Chakmon!”
“I admit it,” Chakmon said to himself, “I suppose I am a little scared.” Chakmon proceeded until he was stopped by an aluminum fence that was about eight feet high. “What is this doing in the middle of a forest? Oh, there’s a sign on it. It says ‘Trespassers Will Be Slimed’. What would I be trespassing on? There’s nothing but more trees on the other side of the fence. Sorry Mr. Sign, but I have to get through these woods.” Chakmon scaled the fence and fell off onto the other side. “Hmm, I could’ve done that more gracefully, but nobody saw me, so it doesn’t matter.”
“Actually, I saw you,” a voice coming from behind Chakmon said. “Didn’t you read the sign? You’ve just made the mistake of entering my haunting territory. My name is SlimeBakemon. Turn around and face your fear.”
Chakmon didn’t dare to look at what was behind him, not until he made sure that he was going to get some backup. “I…I’m not afraid of you, and I will turn around, but first I need to make a call.” Chakmon pushed the necessary buttons on his D-Tector to contact Junpei’s D-Tector.
“So,” SlimeBakemon asked, “who you gonna call?”
Twenty minutes before Chakmon made the call to Junpei, Junpei and Izumi were still progressing steadily with their four legged walk. At that time, Izumi had decided to ask Junpei the question that had been nagging her perverted mind. “I’d say that we’ve been moving pretty fast in this relationship, but still, when do you think that we’re going to…you know…do it?”
Caught
by surprise, Junpei blushed and cleared his
throat. “Do you remember what I told you
in the
Izumi remembered, but she didn’t see the relevance. “I believe you said, ‘I love cherries.’ What does that have to do with…oh…you meant the other kind of cherries.”
Junpei nodded and grinned. “I didn’t then, but I do now.”
Izumi was genuinely concerned. “Junpei, I don’t think I can be satisfied with just oral sex. Literally I can be satisfied, but you know what I mean.”
“Sorry,
allow me to clarify. I think that we
should wait until we are married. That’s
the honorable way, the way heroes do it, and we’re the greatest of heroes;
we’re legendary warriors. Anyway, aren’t
you from
“I
suppose you could call
“Trust me, that won’t be happening.” Junpei was referring to the orgy. “We were meant for each other, and nobody else.” Junpei wasn’t sure if that sounded romantic or if it sounded threatening, so he decided to go back to his celibacy argument. “The other reason why we should stay virgins for now is because, as I’ve said before, we’re living in a horror movie scenario. In a horror movie, only the virgins survive.”
“First of all, this would be a pretty lame horror movie. Secondly, the virgins might survive in the movies, but there’s nothing in real life that would make them more able to survive, unless you believe in consolation luck.” Izumi thought it was ridiculous that Junpei actually had another stupid horror movie theory. She tried to remember what the first one was.
“Virgins do have an advantage in the face of danger,” Junpei replied. “It’s called ‘The Power of Sexual Frustration’, and it can be used to achieve great things. My favorite example is Galahad and the Holy Grail.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?” Izumi asked. She decided not to let their debate turn into a heated argument, because she really didn’t care about Junpei’s theory. She went back to the topic that concerned her. “So you want to wait until we’re married? Okay, but how long am I going to have to wait for that?”
Junpei smiled contentedly. “There’s no point in delaying the inevitable; I think that we should get married as soon as Kerpymon is defeated.”
“Is that a proposal?” Izumi asked anxiously.
“If I let go of you and drop to a knee, do you promise not to fall down again?” Junpei inquired.
Before Izumi could respond, Chakmon’s voice came out of Junpei’s D-Tector. “Come in, Junpei.”
Junpei let go of Izumi’s right wrist and took out his D-Tector. “This better be an emergency, Tomoki.”
“Actually, I’m Chakmon right now, can’t you tell the difference between our voices?” Chakmon asked.
Junpei was rapidly getting annoyed. “No, I can’t. Now why did you call me?”
“I ran into an unfriendly digimon, and I think that I’m going to need some help.” Now that he knew that he would be receiving backup, Chakmon turned around and looked at SlimeBakemon. It looked like a regular Bakemon, except it was green and its skin looked like it was melting. It smiled evilly at Chakmon with its triangular teeth. “It’s right here, Junpei. It’s looking at me.”
Junpei knew that the proposal would have to wait. In the meantime, he had to calm down Chakmon. “Don’t move; it won’t hurt you.”
“How do you know that?” an incredulous Chakmon asked.
“Yeah, you caught me on that one. For all I know he might rip you a new one,” Junpei admitted.
“Tell your friend not to worry,” SlimeBakemon told Chakmon. “This won’t hurt a bit, Slimer Rocket!” SlimeBakemon propelled himself forward and headed straight for Chakmon.
“Ahhhh…ahhhh…ahhhh…ahhhh…ahhhh!” Chakmon shouted into his D-Tector right before getting hit by SlimeBakemon.
Junpei heard the pathetic screams coming through his D-Tector, but he didn’t hear anything after them. “Chakmon…Chakmon?”
Then it came to Izumi, the other thing that Junpei had said about horror movies. “The Boogieman strikes when no one can hear you scream. That’s what happens every time someone goes off on his or her own.” Izumi changed her mind; it was in her best interests to pay attention to Junpei’s theories.
“Izumi, if that digimon was able to get the better of Chakmon, it’s probably going to take both of us to beat it. If I go after it alone, the same thing that happened to Chakmon will likely happen to me.” Junpei was trying to convince Izumi to come with him to rescue Chakmon, despite her concussion.
Izumi agreed with Junpei’s reasoning, but she felt that she really wasn’t in any condition to battle. “Excuse me Junpei, you said battling was bad. You’re going to endanger me. You’re going to endanger your patient, the nice girl who gave you head in advance before that head became the teacup ride at an amusement park.”
“Not necessarily, there’s definitely a very slim chance you’ll survive,” Junpei jokingly told her. “Hey, you’re just a little dizzy, and if you’re flying instead of walking, you can’t fall down.”
“You’re right; pilots don’t need to be sober to fly, and neither do I. Execute: Spirit Evolution!” Izumi became the “Bullet With Butterfly Wings”, “Kazemon!” Izumi pressed some buttons on her D-Tector, and “Learn To Fly” started playing.
“I’m glad to have you with me, and I mean that in every way possible. Execute: Spirit Evolution!” Junpei became the human spirit digimon of the insectoid “Rhinoceros”, “Beetlemon!”
[Run and tell all of the angels; this could take all night. Think I need a devil to help me get things right.]
“The sun is setting,” Kazemon noted. “I don’t know what we’re going to be fighting, but I do know that we’re going to fight it in the dark.”
[Hook me up a new revolution, ‘cause this one is a lie. We sat around laughing and watched the last one die.]
“Darkness is scary because it holds the unknown, but I still managed to kill him.” Beetlemon spread his wings and took off to save Chakmon.
[I’m looking to the sky to save me, looking for a sign of life, looking for something to help me burn out bright.]
After some initial hesitation, Kazemon also took to the sky. Her flight wasn’t as graceful as usual, but she knew that the difference probably wouldn’t be much of a factor in a battle.
[I’m looking for a complication, looking ‘cause I’m tired of lying. Make my way back home when I learn to fly.]
It didn’t take long for Kazemon to catch up to Beetlemon, partly because Kazemon was faster, and partly because Beetlemon was intentionally not going at top speed in order to allow her to catch up.
[I think I’m done nursing patience; it can wait one night. I’d give it all away if you give me one last try.]
“Kazemon, what did you mean when you referred to yourself as a ‘patient’ of mine?” Beetlemon asked.
“Remember, you gave me that ‘treatment’ for my headache.” There were still a few things that Kazemon was wondering about that event. “How did you know how to check for a concussion? Also, how did you know about that forehead massage thing?”
[We’ll live happily ever trapped if you just save my life. Run and tell the angels that everything’s alright.]
“My dad is a doctor,” Beetlemon reluctantly admitted. He knew the assumption that went along with that.
“So, your family must be fairly wealthy,” Kazemon assumed enthusiastically.
[I’m looking to the sky to save me, looking for a sign of life, looking for something to help me burn out bright.]
Beetlemon had to approach this carefully. “We are quite wealthy, but it’s not because my dad is a doctor. He’s a family doctor; the specialists are the ones who make all the money. We’re wealthy because of my mom. She has her own cooking show on basic cable. She used to try out her recipes on me, and that’s how I got so fat. Anyway, money is overrated. The three most important things in life are love, time, and wisdom, the three things that money can’t buy.”
[I’m looking for a complication, looking ‘cause I’m tired of trying. Make my way back home when I learn to fly.]
Kazemon didn’t hear anything after Beetlemon said, “We are quite wealthy.” She was dreaming about the luxurious life that she was going to lead. “So, your parents will probably use their excess to support me, I mean us, until you’re old enough to go into the workforce. After all, they want their boy to be happy, and you can’t be happy unless I’m happy.” She had it all planned out. She would stay at home and watch soap operas while Junpei continued the family tradition and became a doctor, a specialist.
[Make my way back home when I learn to-Fly along with me; I can’t quite make it alone. Try to make this life my own.]
Beetlemon could see greed rearing its ugly head, and he wanted to hit it with his Thunder Fist. “Wasn’t she listening when I told her how miserable my life was before I came here?” Beetlemon asked himself. “I’ve become a better and much happier person since I’ve been in this world. It sounds like she wants to change into a worse person as soon as she leaves…that’s the answer!” Beetlemon concocted the perfect future in his mind. Then he decided to leave her with a little clue. “Everything you could want, I promise to give you the world.”
[Fly along with me; I can’t quite make it alone. Try to make this life my own.]
Beetlemon and Kazemon traced the signal from Chakmon’s D-Tector to the end. They looked down and saw their young teammate; he was stuck to an aluminum fence by some sort of green goop that covered his body. “He slimed me,” Chakmon simply stated.
“That’s great, can you move?” Beetlemon asked.
“Of course I can’t move; I’m stuck to a fence!” Chakmon bellowed.
“Clearly, your mouth can still move.” Beetlemon had asked the seemingly stupid question in order to get the setup from Chakmon. “Hey, relax little man; I’ll get you down, Thunder Fist!” Beetlemon punched the edge of the slime wrap that held Chakmon to the fence. The electrical charge caused the slime to shoot off of the fence, freeing Chakmon. Chakmon fell to the ground, quite a bit worse for wear after taking a piece of the shock. His white fur was standing on end, and it was slightly blackened in some spots.
Despite being a little crispy, Chakmon pulled himself up and began describing the problem that the group would be facing. “His name is SlimeBakemon, and for some reason, he doesn’t like it when anyone goes over this fence. After he slimed me, he actually took the time and effort to carry me back to the other side before pasting me.”
“An anal-retentive digimon, that’s a first,” Kazemon commented.
“We, I mean they, prefer to be called obsessive-compulsive,” Beetlemon chimed in.
“Look, we have to get through this forest, so let’s not waste more time.” Chakmon felt that he should get to be the leader on this one, because he was the one who had taken the lead and gotten slimed for his bravery. “Can one of you fly me over the fence? It didn’t go so well when I climbed it.”
“Yeah, I’ll take you,” Beetlemon told him.
They flew over the fence, and seconds later, they were approached by the guardian of the territory. “Winnie the Shit, I see you brought some friends, but they’re going to get slimed just like you did, Slimer Rocket!” SlimeBakemon launched himself at Beetlemon and Kazemon (Beetlemon was still carrying Chakmon). Beetlemon and Kazemon dodged the green torpedo, and SlimeBakemon’s body was sliced into dozens of small pieces as he went through the grating of the fence.
“Damn, I forgot to say, ‘Toro!’” Kazemon quipped.
The pieces of SlimeBakemon scooted along the ground towards each other and started to form back into one. “Shit, it’s not over yet; he’s pulling himself back together.” Beetlemon put Chakmon down and retook his position as leader. “We’re all going to hit him with our long range attacks as soon as he comes back over the fence.” The reformed SlimeBakemon flew over the fence and prepared to launch another Slimer Rocket attack, but the legendary warriors struck first. “Alright guys, ready, throw it!”
Kazemon’s hands went up, and she shot out a concentrated blast of air, “Hurricane Wave!”
Chakmon took out his quadruple barrel snowball launcher, and he let a barrage fly, “Blizzard Blaster!”
Kazemon and Chakmon’s attacks sent SlimeBakemon reeling backwards a little, but they didn’t do much else. Beetlemon’s horn fired a stream of electricity, “Lightning Blitz!” When his attack connected, SlimeBakemon exploded into thousands of tiny pieces.
“Whoa,
nice shootin’,
“Now why did that happen?” Beetlemon wondered. “Wait, I think I know the answer. Ghosts are believed to be comprised of negative energy, and electrons are also negatively charged. When my lightning went into the center of his body, it must’ve repelled him internally in every direction simultaneously, total electronic reversal. So why didn’t the slime on the fence explode when I hit it with my Thunder Fist? Aluminum is a pretty good conductor; I guess that it must’ve absorbed the electricity, which then caused the slime to be repelled away from it. I know that he’s going to reform again, but I can use this hypothesis to come up with a plan.” Beetlemon looked at the little slime crumbs that were starting to come back together; then he looked at the fence. “Alright, I have a plan. Since we can’t destroy him, we’ll trap him.”
SlimeBakemon finished getting back into one piece, and he looked at Beetlemon angrily. “Let’s see how you like getting blown up, Ecto Sphere!” SlimeBakemon shot a glowing green ball of energy at Beetlemon. Beetlemon flew upward to avoid the ball, and SlimeBakemon’s attack hit the ground and left a small crater.
Beetlemon decided to put his plan into action, because he knew that he couldn’t dodge for very long, and he didn’t want to know what it would feel like to not dodge SlimeBakemon’s new attack. “Okay, on my go signal, Kazemon, I want a Hurricane Wave from you, go!”
Kazemon nailed SlimeBakemon on his right side with her Hurricane Wave, which was more than enough to keep SlimeBakemon from launching the second Ecto Sphere attack that he was readying for Beetlemon.
“Hold him up there; he’s going to move; hold him up there,” Beetlemon instructed. “Chakmon, I want you to hit him from the opposite side of Kazemon while I get the trap ready. Use Presto Freeze, go!”
Chakmon’s beam of ice kept SlimeBakemon from retreating from Kazemon’s attack; SlimeBakemon was stuck.
Meanwhile, Beetlemon was busy using his proportional beetle strength to rip SlimeBakemon’s fence out of the ground. He laid it flat and rolled it into a large cylinder, ten feet in diameter, and of course, about eight feet high. “Now I just need a way to hold the shape together, maybe if I tear the ends of the grating and turn them into hooks…yeah, that did it.” Beetlemon knocked the cylinder down so that the fence was upright again. “The trap is ready; start bringing him down.”
“How are we supposed to do that?” Chakmon asked while still blowing frost from his mouth.
“I’ve got it covered,” Kazemon told him. She flew straight up (as straight as possible with her concussion) until she was well above SlimeBakemon’s height. She continued to aim her Hurricane Wave at SlimeBakemon, knowing that it would now have a downward force. Unfortunately, the edges of Chakmon’s Presto Freeze that weren’t connecting with SlimeBakemon were now connecting with Kazemon. “Chakmon, shorten your stream; I don’t want my face freezer burned off!”
“Don’t shorten your stream, just make it narrower; we can’t let him get away.” Beetlemon noticed that Kazemon and Chakmon were almost done forcing SlimeBakemon into the cylinder. “You’ve got him; you’ve got him…and…he’s in. Alright, I’m activating the trap now. Don’t look directly into the trap. As you know, there’s always a bright flash when I use my…Lightning Blitz!” Beetlemon zapped the fence that surrounded SlimeBakemon.
“I looked at the trap, Beetlemon.” Kazemon didn’t understand what he was doing, or why it was working. Beetlemon continued shocking the cage that he’d made, and from the expression on his face, SlimeBakemon seemed to be in agony because of this.
“Bring your streams off,” Beetlemon told his comrades, “I’m taking over from here.” He continued to pour the power onto the fence, and SlimeBakemon began to shrink. He became smaller, and smaller, until he shrank into nothingness. “I guess it makes sense. If a completely internal same charge caused him to explode, a completely external same charge should cause him to implode, which it did. I didn’t really plan on that happening, but it works for me.”
Chakmon summed it up a bit less scientifically. “We came, we saw, we kicked its ass!”
It was a nice change of pace to write about Takuya and Kouji, but it feels damn good to have “the family” back. This was an awesome story; it had comedy, action, romance, determination, and science. It had everything, except for sex, sorry. The next one will have some, in a way. Did you notice the occupations of Junpei’s parents? A doctor and a cooking show host, why does that sound familiar? Before you jump to conclusions, keep in mind that the Season 1 and Season 2 characters are from a different dimension than the Season 4 characters. Did you notice that Beetlemon had Ray’s lines, Kazemon had Egon’s lines, and Chakmon had Peter’s lines? The only exception was when Izumi was apprehensive about fighting, but that was a parody of a scene from later in the movie. Do you disagree with me about Yu Yu Hakusho being a rip-off of The Real Ghostbusters? Email me at benjamin.wiseman@uconn.edu. As a way of dividing the series in your mind, you could consider this the end of the second act. In the next story, the legendary warriors will be partially reunited, which will be a significant change. There’s a lot of stuff from this story to remember for the remainder of the series:
Takuya, Kouji, and Junpei each believe that the group is living in a different “scenario”. Whose scenario is right? Perhaps it’s a combination of The Iliad, Lord of the Flies, and a horror movie.
Junpei wants to wait to get married and have sex until the danger is defeated, because according to the movies, only the virgins survive. Kouji lost his virginity in the last story, and the status of Takuya’s relationship with his girlfriend is unknown.
What is Junpei’s plan for his and Izumi’s future? Can he trick Izumi into going along with it?
Beetlemon rolls up a fence in this story. Will somebody roll up something in the next story?
Junpei has some strange and strict beliefs, the celibacy belief, the quest for balance belief, and the most important things in life belief. All of his predictions have come true thus far, so have the courtesy to call him obsessive-compulsive.
My university email address expires in May 2006, so I’ll also give you an alternate email address (I check it about twice per month):
©2003 By Benjamin Wiseman