Disclaimer: The author does not take stake or claim on any characters mentioned.
Warnings: Somewhat graphic sex. Note the "X" rating.
A/N:This is one of my Experiments. I wanted to further experiment into the realms of het using a pairing I only-sorta-kinda-liked, I wanted to experiment with psychological turmoil that actually stemmed from something not very strange, and I wanted to experiment in writing style.
As of writing this, I am determined that Kouji will never have a spoken part in the story, even though it's written in his point of view. Every other character will speak but him. Kouji will tell you that he is speaking, of course, but if I can pull it off, Kouji will never have quotations around any of his words. Intriguing, isn't it?
This story should only be posted on Digi Artist's Domain under the Pennname Uki, on Mediaminer.org under the name Puppeh, and Fanfiction.net under the name Ukaisha. If found anywhere else, please send me an e-mail immediately at Sazreazhyu@aol.com.
For the record, sex between Takuya and Izumi will never be graphically detailed as it is with Kouji. Why? I dunno. Doesn't seem to be a proper time for it anywhere.

I was extremely attached to Takuya.
Weirdest choice of words ever, right? Why not say, I really like Takuya. Or, Takuya and I are best friends. Or, Takuya and I sort of love each other in a platonic way.
Well, it's because we're kind of all of those things, and at the same time, we're none of those things. I have an extreme attachment to Takuya. Sometimes, I feel like I'm his best friend. Sometimes, I feel like I'm an annoyance. Sometimes, I feel like I'm more than a friend to him. A lot more. Big time more.
But that was stupid. Takuya wasn't gay. How did I know for sure? He had a girlfriend. He'd had this girlfriend since we were thirteen, and six years later, their relationship was still going strong. They did everything the normal couple does with each other. They kissed and baby talked to each other, they got each other presents for no apparent reason, and sometimes they needed to be left alone to deal with...personal matters. Extremely personal bedroom matters. They were obviously very happy. The perfect couple.
I knew. I'd known Izumi as long as I'd known Takuya; I felt when Izumi was happy as keen as I felt every one of Takuya's emotions.
The odd thing? I wasn't jealous in the slightest. I didn't care that Takuya was with Izumi, and I didn't care that they were a couple. I wasn't attached to Takuya in that way.
I was attached to Takuya in the way that a samurai defends his shogun. I must always protect him, and I must always be sure that he was never hurt. I must always stand in front of anything that ever brought harm to him, and nothing, nothing, would ever make Takuya cry. This was my sworn duty. In the Digital World, it was easy to uphold to that duty. I saved him again and again without even slightly considering the possibility that my life would be ruined. In the Real World, (how strange that I think of Real World in capital letters, as though it were a strange and mysterious land, like the Digital World?) it was a lot harder. I purposely nudged my father into taking a different position that would land us within blocks of Takuya's home, and left me to his school rather than a prestigious private school. I purposely took classes far below my intellect so that four of seven of them would be spent with Takuya. And I followed him around as much as I could possibly manage with him and Izumi practically hanging off of each other like the sitcom pair of lovers that they were.
Sometimes Takuya got angry that I hung over him like I did, watching him like a hawk.
Sometimes he was flattered, but patiently tried to push me away, as one would peel a clinging child's arms off of their leg.
Sometimes a little spark appeared in his eye. I was curious as to what that spark was, but I never asked.

Takuya attended Kyoto University. Izumi followed him along. I was accepted to Keio University, a marvelous feat on my end considering I had taken very few advanced courses in order to stay with Takuya. My father was adamant that I go specifically to that university; it was a university of the prestige. It was among the highest ranked schools in the world, and in addition to being one of the oldest in Japan, it was arguably THE best in Japan. But it was far away from Takuya. I couldn't allow that; how was I supposed to protect him when I was hundreds of miles away from him? What if something happened to him and, in his only major moment of need, I was not there to save him? More than once I attempted to drop myself off of their list, but more than once my efforts were thwarted by my father. I understood his concern. He recognized how far I was willing to let myself drop to stand by Takuya's side, and in his own way, he was trying to protect me, too, before I let myself fall too low. But I couldn't allow that.
Takuya needed me to protect him. I wasn't entirely sure what he needed me to protect him from; we were far away from the Digital World with its wars and battles and vicious villains. But there was this overwhelming NEED to be by Takuya's side, and to be his protector. I would throw myself in front of a bullet for Takuya without a moment's hesitation.
I didn't love him. I had just sworn to protect him. I was loyal to him. I was devoted to him. I had agreed to a strict, bushido-like code to always stand by him, and if I didn't, I couldn't forgive myself.
And Takuya couldn't understand this. He thought I pined after him when all I wanted to do was stand at his side like a guard dog and protect him from everything. Sometimes I forgot he wasn't just a hot-headed little boy anymore; he was a fairly level-headed man. Surprisingly, he'd ended up very logical. He saw that I went out of my way to be with him as often as I could, and he took it as an advance on him. His defense against this: hold out the arm that Izumi was holding onto, as if waving the fact that he had a girlfriend in my face would make me less obsessed with protecting him.
Truthfully, I'd never even considered us being a couple. I'd never had explicit dreams about him and I'd never thought of us interacting in that way. I didn't care if he loved me, and I didn't care if he had a girlfriend. I would protect him no matter what. I was devoted to him. I was his samurai.
If Izumi was jealous of me, she never showed it. She never treated me any differently. I was always a second brother to her, and she was a dear sister to me...until she and Takuya started making faces at each other and she sort of demoted herself to an obedient little woman submitting to her man. Izumi was headstrong and still an in-your-face kind of girl, until it came to Takuya. I don't know if it's because she recognized that Takuya was a little sexist and she didn't want to lose him because of that, or if love really did just do strange things to your personality. With me, she was her ordinary free-as-the-wind personality, and if you had anything to say about her just being a girl, your head will go flying. With Takuya, she was just the girl on his arm.
I swear. I never wanted to be in love if I ever came to acting like that. I respect Izumi very much because, for a girl, she is very independent and a hell of a person to have on your side. And like I said; I liked her. I didn't care that she was with Takuya as long as she made him happy. But my respect for her kind of dwindled at those moments.

It couldn't be helped; I did attend Keio, far away from Takuya. Four hours away by train, as a matter of fact. For weeks I could barely eat, sleep, or work; I was obsessed with seeing Takuya and making sure he was okay. I ran up huge bills on my cell-phone by calling him as often as I could, though eventually I stopped when I realized Takuya purposely put my calls through to voice-mail, where he could delete them guilt-free. I instant messaged him on the computer, and usually, he just didn't respond, or after a few minutes or conversation, he'd suddenly have to go.
Sometimes, Izumi answered those messages. I didn't ask why she was in his room. She didn't ask why I had this overwhelming need to talk to her boyfriend every few hours.
Our friendship practically disintegrated. The best friend I'd ever had, the one I would've killed to protect knowing that he would kill in return for me, was almost gone. Izumi gently suggested that I stop obsessing over Takuya; not because she was jealous, but because she had to deal with his agitation at me when he saw my name on his cell-phone. Even she thought I was pining over him like a love-sick puppy. It wasn't that I loved him; I can't stress that enough. I just needed to BE there for him. There WAS a difference. The feeling I had for him was purely loyalty and devotion. I had to protect him. The need was so strong that it was burning a fire in my stomach. Even with him angry at me, even with him trying to get away from me, even with him breaking off our communications and trying to annihilate this friendship, I needed to protect him. I was possessed by the need to make him happy. Inside, a portion of me said, he's happy when you're not around. If you want him to be happy, you would leave him alone.
I tried to fall into that mindset. I tried to wake up and think: Okay, let's focus on "blank" today. Inevitably, "blank" always ended up being Takuya. I didn't know how else to live. Trying to live without thinking about Takuya sort of made me stare in wonder for a moment, like I had no purpose in life and wasn't sure what direction to take when I actually tried not thinking about Takuya. My mind was sort of empty and I didn't even know what to do with myself. Samurai probably felt the same way back in the old days; when a lord died, those who had sworn themselves to him committed suicide, and if they didn't, they became a ronin, a lost soul without a master. They realized their life truly had no meaning without their lord.
I didn't love Takuya. He was just my purpose in life. Without him, I was useless, and instead of a samurai, I was just another ronin. So you understand why I took such great lengths to be with him. I certainly didn't WANT to feel useless.
I was away from Takuya for a year. It was hell. I skipped most of my classes because I had absolutely no desire to work; I just wanted to sit in my room and mope. I was falling apart. I NEEDED to be with Takuya. I didn't care if he didn't even look at me or if I had to trail along behind him like we weren't even friends; I just had to be near him.
Even now, when I could barely function without him, I could honestly say that I still didn't love him. This had nothing to do with love; it just had to do with my code.
I had three weeks off from Keio. Just a measly three weeks. I rented an apartment near Kyoto University. I would only use it for two and a half weeks, but the shortest lease they would rent it to me for was six months. I took it without hesitation.
I called Takuya repeatedly to let him know I was in town. He ignored me. I tried to pinpoint him and figure out where he was, but I couldn't. He didn't want me to find him. My heart ached; everything in my body was SCREAMING at me that I had to be with Takuya! Something would happen, and I'd need to be there for him! Somehow! It was unacceptable that I couldn't see him!
But it was ridiculous that the person I was fighting hardest against for this right was the person I wanted to see himself.
Why did Takuya want to ignore me? Was it just so easy for him to give up our friendship? Sure, I was overprotective. I was his samurai. What else was I to do? I left him and Izumi alone, and I never threatened their relationship. It's not like I prevented him from experiencing daily life. I wasn't so protective that I wouldn't let him have fun in life. Why would he refuse to see me?
The truth was clear: he just didn't want to be around me.
I couldn't take it. I was going to force him to face me.

Takuya lived on-campus. Because of this, Izumi also lived on-campus, though she had the option not to. Apparently they practically shared a room together, though officially they did live in completely separate dorms.
I applied as a visitor. I got a little sticker with a smiley face that said I was visiting.
I found out Takuya's room number, and when I got there, I knocked once. When he didn't answer, I just walked in. Takuya didn't need privacy as much as he needed me to protect him.
It occasionally occurred to me that this was why Takuya wanted to break it off with me.
Just walking into his room made Takuya extremely angry. He and Izumi were getting intimate, and I'd interrupted this.
I didn't care. I wouldn't bother them while they were in bed; I'd just wait until they were finished, and then we could talk. If that meant standing off to the side, even in the same room, while they were together, I wouldn't care. I'd be content just standing next to him, and wouldn't even acknowledge that they were getting close.
I'm aware I have an extremely low threshold for intimacy. I get it. Normal people place an extremely high value on sex. I don't, and it's pathetically obvious. When I was younger and boys my age blushed at movies in which the main characters suddenly were getting hot and heavy on-screen, I'd just be staring blankly at them, wondering what the fuss was about.
As a result, I didn't back off when I realized they were getting close. I just stood there, fully prepared to wait until they were done.
When it became clear that I wasn't leaving, Takuya pulled me off to the side, out of the room, and out of earshot from Izumi. He held me by my collar and spoke angrily at me, but I knew he'd never hurt me. He'd just rage at me until I made some motion that I was hearing him. But I didn't hear him. I just stared blankly at him until he eventually calmed down. When he let me go, he tried to laugh at himself.
"If you're my best friend, sometimes I scare myself thinking about what my enemies must be like."
And I gently laughed with him. Not because I thought it was funny, but because Takuya was laughing, and that usually indicated that he was happy. When Takuya was happy, I was happy.
My mind is remarkably complex, but my needs are incredibly simple. I didn't care if Takuya hated my guts; as long as he was safe and happy, I was content.
If he is not happy, I must fight and fight until he is.
Even I realize how pathetic I am sometimes.
"Listen...can you leave us alone for a while? Just for a while? Tell me where I can find you, and I'll come visit in a bit. We probably are way over-due for a talk. Remember how we used to sit off to the side of everyone else and discuss stuff? Battle plans, theories, strategies, whatever? We'll do that, alright? Just leave us alone for now."
And I did. I informed him of where he could find me. He promised he would come over, soon. He couldn't come soon enough. As it turned out, he almost didn't come at all. Days passed. I sat uselessly in my unfurnished apartment, sort of staring blankly at the walls as I waited for him to come to me, wondering if he'd lied to me. Surely he wouldn't just let me sit here, right? He was my friend. He knew how strongly I felt about him. I was possessed by the urge to see him; I couldn't believe it was taking him so long to come to me. Was he punishing me by making me wait? Did he think I should suffer for a few days because I'd walked in on him and Izumi?
Did he not realize how much I'd already suffered, and that this was absolute torture?
Being hundreds of miles away from Takuya could make the need understand. I physically can't be near Takuya. It will accept that as an excuse. To be within a few miles of him was intolerable.
I needed him. I scared myself with how much I needed him. I didn't even need that much of him; if he would just let me tag along with him and Izumi on a date somewhere, I was content enough with that. I just needed to keep him in my sight. I needed to know he was safe. I needed to know he was happy. I needed to see him.

I eventually did hear a knock at my door. It had been six days, nearly a week, since Takuya had promised to come see me. I'd been waiting almost motionless for all six of those days for him to come; it was disturbing how lifeless I was without him. It disturbed me how I swelled with happiness when I saw him just beyond the doorway when I opened it, and it even slightly disturbed me the way he was looking at me. He had the spark in his eye.
"I'm sorry it took me so long to see you," he apologized. I just hustled him in, absolutely thrilled beyond measure to see him. Takuya himself seemed to have gotten over whatever issues he had with me, and instead, reverted back to his joking, playful nature.
"Some place you got here," he teased. "It's like the Taj Mahal."
There was almost nothing in the apartment. It had been extremely cheaply furnished by the previous tenant, and I was barely living it in enough to make a difference.
The only place to sit was the bed.
At first, it just brought back old memories of our boyhood when we'd slept over at each other's houses. We'd sit on each other's beds, facing the other head on, solving all the world's problems. Like we used to do back in the Digital World. Like in those sleep overs, Takuya sat on the edge of the bed, staring at the wall that was at the head of the bed. I took my position at the head, staring back at him. He smirked. Because he smirked, I smirked.
"Well, we're a pair, aren't we?" he laughed. "Two regular philosophers; Aristotle and Socrates. Yet we don't talk about the stuff we used to anymore."
I gently reminded him of his refusal to talk to me at all. I wasn't angry; I was just nudging him to remember that if I had my way, we would be in contact constantly. He shrugged, sheepishly.
"You can't seem to let go of the past. I mean...Kouji...the Digital World was years ago. We were kids, and we just aren't anymore. Things change. Lives change. Let it go, man."
This had nothing to do with the Digital World; this was all about Takuya. I couldn't get him to understand that it was just HIM, specifically, completely, that I needed to protect. Did he just really want to pretend that our friendship, as close as it had been, had never happened? Would that make him happy?"
"I liked being friends with you; don't get me wrong. It's just that you're a little intimidating. You just sort of hang over me like...like an ominous cloud. Sometimes I don't really know what to do about you. And then all you say is that you want to protect me or something."
I tried to explain everything to him. I tried to explain to Takuya that I was his samurai, and there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for him. I tried to explain to him that I would do anything, anything, to make him happy.
"And that's what makes me wonder. Is there an alternative reason for your motives?"
I didn't know. I'd never loved Takuya. I'd just felt this overwhelming need to be with him as often as was humanly possible. It was a sick need. But I needed it just the same. He just nodded, a little absently. He was staring intently at me.
"And you'd do anything that would make me happy, right?"
I almost felt like impatiently smacking him. Of course, of course I would do anything to make him happy. Anything. Who cares about me; as long as Takuya was happy, I was expendable.
"Then will you allow me to experiment with something? And will you swear to never, ever tell anyone?" He paused. "My livelihood would be at stake if you did."
Exactly the right words to say, and I knew that he knew it. Tell on Takuya's secret? When it could put his life in jeopardy?
Unthinkable.
"Then...just sit there. Don't freak out, okay? I'm not even really sure why I'm doing this."
Takuya fell forward on his hands and knees. He crawled to me on the bed. Suddenly, he was kissing me.
He was kissing me.

Let's not forget that he's got a girlfriend of six years not two miles away. Let's not forget that he's not gay and he's been trying to shake me off of him for years. Let's not forget he's admitted, on more than one occasion, that I annoy the crap out of him.
He was kissing me. For real. I didn't know how to respond. I just obeyed him; I didn't move. I didn't kiss him back either; I wasn't sure if I should. I wasn't sure if I could. Intimacy was just not apart of my makeup. I didn't know how to react. I wasn't embarrassed; just a little confused. And so I just sat there, letting him kiss me, feeling neither longing nor shame.
Takuya pulled away, blushing red and staring at me with these intense, narrow little eyes. "Does it bother you?" He wanted more; he wanted to go further. Something was bugging me about this; Izumi. I felt horrible for her. She'd never know. I'd sworn to protect Takuya's secret. Takuya would never tell her. I was going behind her back. She was one of my best friends; I hated the idea of deceiving her.
I hated the idea of ending Takuya's happiness even more.
He pushed me down into my bed. He was giving me this embarrassedly unsure, but still dominating look, and he loved how I just submitted and didn't fight him at all. His tongue was in my mouth again, and all I was thinking about was how useless the action was. What exactly was kissing for? All that happened was that our tongues sort of slapped together a few times. We exchanged saliva. What was the point?
Though I didn't voice this opinion, Takuya seemed to think the same way, and he soon stopped. My desire for intimacy was too low to really get into it, and so I just let him strip me of my clothing. I weakly and uselessly tried to strip him in return, but he flung himself off of me, and in three seconds, he was nude. He had an erection, and I was still mostly soft. What can I say? I didn't love Takuya, and so I didn't feel any sexual desire towards him. It didn't arouse me or embarrass me to feel his fingers gripping my penis, and I really just sort of watched him, trying to figure out what he wanted me to do.
He put his mouth on me. I couldn't help it; I cried out a little. I had to admit...that felt a little good. I kind of liked that. He remained between my legs, quickly sucking me off and occasionally making me twitch and gently cry out. It was a strange feeling.
He let me fall out of his mouth no more than a minute or two later, when I was completely hard, and not a moment before or after. I was panting; something was coming over me. I'd gotten erections before and I'd come before, both asleep and on purpose, but I'd never actively pursued an orgasm because I WANTED it before. It seemed like a useless concept; squirting fluid out of your urethra certainly didn't sound like it was a useful objective, and just the idea of masturbating seemed unappealing. I didn't do useless things unless absolutely necessary. I masturbated when I got blue balls, and it became a medical concern. That was all.
"Kouji," he whispered, helplessly aroused. He was doing something below me; he was putting his fingers in me. I didn't really get why, but why protest? Takuya definitely wanted to do it.
"Ah..." He positioned himself over me, his arms on either side of my body. I stared up at him, blankly and a little curiously, waiting for him to do something. His hand went below; he was holding himself out, slowly moving his fingers up and down his hard-on. Something clicked in my mind at the sight of his cock, and I made a noise, a noise of yearning; my first ever. I surprised myself with it. Takuya looked up at me to make sure I wasn't protesting, but looked away when I met his eyes.
And then he pushed into me. He guided his erection into me until I felt the head force entry, and then just let himself slide all the way in. The feeling was disturbing; I was too full. I didn't like it, and I jerked up and tried to move away. I felt so stuffed that it was uncomfortable, and it was painful for him to slide in. My erection died a little; Takuya didn't seem to notice.
He began to pull out. Silently I was relieved, and then annoyed when he pushed back in. And he just did it again, and again, and again...
And...it felt good. After a while, it just felt good. Pain just disappeared and suddenly, the pleasing friction renewed my urge. My penis started throbbing again, and it seemed to be getting harder with each thrust. I realized that more than I wanted Takuya's safety, more than I cared about Takuya's secret, more than I cared about how he was cheating on Izumi with me, I wanted to have an orgasm. Bad.

I didn't know how to move. I was inexperienced; I'd never done this with anyone else, let alone another man, and by myself, an orgasm was a disgusting little act that had to be performed to keep my body fit and well. It was just oiling the gears. But this...this was pure, intense, need.
"Don't be so stiff, Kouji," he panted under his breath, and whether or not I wanted it, I moved. Takuya wanted me to, so why shouldn't I? But HOW should I move? I didn't know, so I just wrapped my arms around his shoulders and lifted my knees, and these were purely logical things. I had to steady myself because Takuya's thrusts had a little more power behind them, and there was still a little pain, so why not spread the opening to make it easier to move? Subconsciously I began moving my hips into him, meeting his thrusts; it felt great. Amazing. I actually had to groan.
"Oh, yeah," he muttered again. Nevermind that I was stupidly flailing under him; Takuya knew what to do. He was a well-oiled machine; sex was the norm. He lifted his body up, kneeling erect from me and holding my thighs gently. For a split second, he was completely out of me. I saw his cock bobbing below me, the head glistening and wet, and it fueled my need. In he went again, pulling me to him with his hands. It was slow; it was wonderful. Every inch he moved made me gasp, and because he was taking me at an angle, he was rubbing into something ultra-sensitive inside of me. He wasn't looking at me; his eyes were closed, and he was focusing on his movement. I gazed at him with a sickening look I never thought I would ever give, through eyes I never thought I would ever turn to him with. Love had never existed in me for him; never. I am being completely honest in that. Never, in any of my ventures or my twisted desires to be near Takuya, have ever been spawned from love.
Now, I wasn't so sure about that.
I gripped fistfuls of the sheet in my hands, arching my back and weakly thrusting onto him as he pulled me into him. I tilted my head back as far as I could, pulling at those sheets, only able to let a low, shamefully mellow moan escape. His thrusts were getting harder, almost frantic. For a split second he let his eyes see me below him, and then he closed them again. He took his hands away from my hips and leaned back into me, steadying himself on the bed as he jerked his body into mine. He was breathing hard and practically snarling, and while he tilted his head back with a deep grunt, his movements grew harder. Not necessarily faster, but harder. He was pounding into me. It just felt so good. My back was arching again, and I was gripping his shoulders. I couldn't stop gasping.
He flung his head back with another deep groan, and then gently moved himself in and out. I felt something hot and liquid inside of me, and then Takuya was over me again, breathing right into my face. He was whispering, "Yes, yes, oh God, yes," practically ready to collapse from the feeling of pleasure. Seeing the look on his face when he came, and just hearing how full of euphoria he was did for me what his thrusts didn't; I came, suddenly, practically tearing apart the sheets as every bit of me convulsed with the sudden shock of the passion leaving me. Years of sexual frustration that had never truly been satisfied erupted out of me as Takuya lazily pulled out and fondled himself, and then he turned to fondling me, right in the middle of my orgasm. He jerked me, hard; I finally just moaned, loud and hard to let Takuya know that I was happy too.
His stomach was covered in cum, more than I'd ever released at one time before. He waited until I'd collasped back onto the bed, gasping and panting serenely, and when I started to recover, he wiped it all off with his hand. He took hold of me again, smearing the cooled semen all over my soft cock. It felt good, but I wasn't going to get hard anytime soon; did Takuya want to keep going?
There was the spark in his eye. Yes, he did. That was fine. Even if I didn't want anymore, I'd even give up my body for him. There was nothing I wouldn't do for him. As happy as I was to be lying here, feeling like I did, I still didn't really love him, right? I was just adhering to my code.

It took over an hour to wear him out. It eventually became clear that he was doing it for him, not me; as long as I wasn't protesting, that was good enough for him. The fact that I was making happy noises below him and occasionally writhing in orgasm was just a bonus. I wasn't sure if I felt content afterwards or not; I'd never experienced this type of well-being before. In the part of my brain where I usually did all of my thinking, I was extremely happy. Takuya was lying next to me, holding me in his arms. He was happy; he was smiling. He was bursting with good feelings. This satisfied that part of my brain; it had nothing to do with what we'd just done.
But something else was awakening in my mind. It had exploded into being as I had exploded into feeling over and over again; it was like being plunged into a cold bath and being given a wake-up call. It was something that had probably always been there, and I'd just never taken the time out of my life to recognize it.
I'd told myself for years that I didn't love Takuya. I just wanted to protect him. I was his best friend, his confidant, and his aid in any battle he faced. It wasn't true. I did love him. The feeling was very small, very fragile, and very raw. But it was there: undying love for the man next to me. It had just never surfaced until we'd really connected by what we'd just done...by actually, really, making love. I couldn't even believe I was thinking that. I'd just made love to Takuya.
It was a huge self-awakening.
All too soon, he was getting out of my bed. He looked irritated at himself. He looked irritated at me. My brain put me into super-protective-mode; something was causing Takuya to fret. Whatever was causing his ill at ease behavior must be stopped immediately.
"I don't know why I did that," he finally said in a rush. He looked afraid. "I just...I don't know. I figured you sort of loved me, and I was starting to think, you know, maybe somehow I loved you too. That's why I stopped talking to you; I didn't want that love to expand and overwhelm my feelings for Izumi. I love you, but I love Izumi more. Do you understand?"
No, I didn't understand. To me, this sex had been sacred. He'd just admitted that he loved me, and the proof of his love was all over my bed, my legs; hell, it was even inside me.
"I did that because I was trying to prove to myself that I didn't love you, and that I'd be repulsed at the idea of sex with you. But...it felt really good. Even better than it usually does with Izumi, and I couldn't stop. I didn't mean for it to get this far! But I can't...I just can't do that. I love Izumi, not you."
This complicated mess didn't matter to me. I'd realized that I loved him. Coupled with how defensive I was towards him, it was intolerable to hear him say these things.
"I'm sorry if I got up any of your hopes. Please Kouji, please don't hate me. It was totally wrong of me to do that. I love you, but not in THAT way. I can't cheat on Izumi; I love her. Can't you just understand that? I love her in the way you love me. I can't let this happen again."
My dedication to Takuya could not be compared to their relationship. But it was clear to me: Izumi made Takuya happy. He was happier with her than he was with me.
So I forgave him. I let him go. I didn't expect him to do anything else to take us farther in the "relationship" the newly formed part of my mind was imagining. I was so much more comfortable with the idea of making Takuya happy than I was with the idea of actually being in love with him, and so that part of my brain took over. It overwhelmed the fragile part of me that was in love with him.
I let him go because it made him happy. He stopped panicking and he was calm; he even smiled. Just like that, just by doing that simple little action, I'd made him so much happier.
And that was the most important thing in my life. It didn't matter if he'd just made love to me and had awoken these feelings of love and turmoil in me. I would do anything it took to make Takuya happy.
And so I let him go.