Red Digivice Diaries
Entry 3 - The Wolf
By Lord Archive
Rated NC-17 for graphic sex. If you're under eighteen, do not read this.
Warning! This part contains sexual situations that may upset some readers. Do not read this if you have a narrow-minded view on how sexual relations should occur. I hold nothing but characterization sacred. As long as I can portray characters close to what they are in series, I don't care what they do or what happens to them.
Digimon belongs to Toei Animation Co., Fox Kids, Saban Entertainment, Bandai, and so on... and is used without consent. I'm only borrowing them until they release the next tape.
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Most of the Chosen are paired with a digimon that share traits similar to them. Not really traits, but the desire of what we want to be. Taichi wants to protect everyone in his own grandiose way, and what would be greater than the tyrant lizard king, Tyrannosaurus Rex. Sora wishes to be free of the bonds of being a traditional girl, and so soars away with a fiery bird. Koushiro is so methodical and task orientated that only a nest of insects would rival him. Takeru has always been an angel, and Patamon is the proof.
The wolf is what I am. I can be a part of the pack, ready to bring down any that would oppose us-- a beta that follows the guidance of the alpha. I can also be alone, a threat in my own right and capable of surviving without any help. I'd have to be; otherwise I would be dead already.
It's not like I have a choice in being a lone wolf now. The person I've fallen in love with would never be with me. The alpha of my dreams chose a different beta for his mate, making her an alpha. It's the way it should be, I guess. The alpha is supposed to breed, and he can't do that with a male beta.
When did I fall in love with him? I guess it was when we all first went to the Digital World. I admired how he could press on despite everything that happened to us, how he was able to keep the group together as a team, how strong he can be. Though he's also an arrogant jerk who doesn't know when to stop either. In a funny way, I love that too. He's not perfect, but I don't want someone perfect. I wanted Taichi.
It took me too long to realize what my feelings for him really were. They confused me so much that sometimes I acted like a little boy hitting the girl he likes just because he didn't know how else to express it. The problem was one of the times I did that, I had a mega-digimon do the fighting for me. But when I finally figured out that I felt more than friendship for Taichi, it was too late.
Shortly after we returned from the Digital World, Taichi confessed to me that Sora had become his lover. I was stunned, shocked, and jealous. And that's when I knew what I felt for Taichi. I wasn't jealous of Taichi, but Sora. She had the man I loved.
Gods, I sound like a girl. Sometimes I feel like I am one. The pink apron Dad bought on sale didn't exactly help. Not that I'd dress in drag or anything; I'm all male, and I like being a guy. I just also want to share my life with a guy. I don't know why I can't even imagine living with a girl. I just can't.
I tried being with a girl. Jun was forward enough. It just didn't feel right. The kiss I stole from Taichi was immensely better than one I shared with Jun, even considering Taichi decked me for it.
But now he knows. He knows that I love him and he rejected me.
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"Hey, Yamato!"
Yamato turned around and waved at his little brother. "Hi. What's up?"
"Not much. Just passing through." Takeru stopped as he caught up to Yamato on the street. "Who gave you the fat lip?"
Yamato shrugged. "Taichi got a little upset at something I did."
"Oh." Takeru scratched his head. "Have something to do with him trying to set you up?"
"Yep."
Takeru paused. "Mind if I get something to drink from your place?"
Yamato appraised Takeru, wondering why he had asked that. "Not at all."
Neither of them said anything as Yamato finished his trek, coming home from the theater.
Takeru quickly raided the refrigerator and frowned. "Gee, beer or more beer. What a choice."
"Sorry. I finished off the last of the soda pop this morning. I can make some tea, if you want."
Takeru shut the frig. "Actually, I didn't come here to get something to drink."
"I kind of notice. So what's up?"
Takeru folded his arms. "You tell me."
Yamato turned away. "What are you talking about?"
"Taichi punched you, and I'd like to know why."
"He's gets upset easily. You know that."
"But what caused it?"
Yamato sighed. "Takeru, you wouldn't understand."
"Try me."
"It's about relationship stuff. You're still too young."
Takeru looked at Yamato as if he came from a different planet. "I thought you knew."
"Knew what?"
"Remember when I had a bruise on my shoulder several months back. The one I was really embarrassed about."
"Sort of."
"It was more of a hickey, really." Takeru blushed a bit. "Hikari gave that to me... the first time we had sex."
Yamato collapsed to the floor. "What?! Takeru how... you're still... oh, geez! Taichi is going to kill you when he finds out."
"He already knows."
Yamato blinked. "He does?"
"Yeah." Takeru nodded. "A few weeks ago."
"I thought you had gotten hurt from fighting Daisuke."
"Well, Daisuke was the one to beat me up. Taichi was the one to attack Daisuke, thinking he was the guy who had nearly gotten Hikari pregnant."
Yamato flinched. "Ouch. Did Daisuke know before that?"
"Nope." Takeru shook his head. "Now are you going to tell me about what happened?"
Yamato massaged his head, trying to think. "It was nothing major. Taichi challenged me to admit who I loved, and I did."
Takeru slumped into a chair. "I see.... How did you admit your feelings to him?"
"Huh?" Yamato blinked.
"How did you tell Taichi you loved him?"
Yamato's mouth opened and closed several times. "H-how did you know?"
"You're my brother. I could just tell how you felt."
"That won't cut it. I didn't know you were that close with Hikari."
Takeru scratched the back of his head. "Actually, Hikari noticed it first and pointed it out to me. The evidence wasn't hard to figure out if you looked for it."
"How long have you known?"
Takeru shrugged. "Well, I pretty much knew shortly after I moved back to Odaiba."
"Hikari had me pegged before that, right?"
Takeru nodded. "Yes. Now how did you admit it?"
Yamato bowed his head. "I kissed him."
"Oh, geez." Takeru massaged his forehead. "No wonder he decked you." He then sighed. "How are you feeling?"
Yamato laughed a little. "Honestly, I feel free. Taichi knows that I love him and he rejected me flat out. In a way that's what I was hoping he would do."
Takeru quirked an eyebrow. "Are you sure?"
"If Taichi had kissed me back or something like that, I would've felt like I had a chance. That maybe Taichi was bi-sexual and he could end up with me. I might've tried to break Sora and him up just so I could be happy with him. This way I know I never had a chance. He doesn't like guys the way I do, so the only way I could've been with him is if I was a girl-- and I'm not going to do that."
"So it doesn't hurt?" Takeru questioned.
"Of course it hurts!" Yamato snapped. "I love him. Every weekend he makes love to Sora, and I want to be the one he sticks his cock into. But the only way I can show my love is to be happy for him."
Takeru's face quirked. "Ugh. Please don't do talk about that kind of stuff."
"What? Sex with a guy?"
Takeru nodded. "Yeah."
"As long as you don't describe what it's like with Hikari."
"Deal."
Yamato forced a chuckle. "Are you okay with me being the way I am?"
"You're my brother. Nothing is going to change that."
Yamato smiled at his little brother. "Thanks."
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"So... Takeru and Hikari knows, and so does Taichi." Yamato took a long sip of beer. "Might as well get out of the closet and let everyone know. Don't matter no more. I'm already a disappointment to all of them."
Yamato swaggered over to the window. "Dad's going ta have grandkids. Hikari will see to that. But they'll be Takaishi, not Ishida. The only way I'll have a kid is if I adopt, and they probably won't let a fag adopt. The Ishida clan ends with me."
Yamato tossed the empty beer can into the recycling bin and went to the refrigerator for another one. "No one loves me, needs me. I'm just here. Important to nobody. Well, I'm sort of important to Takeru, but not really. If I died, he would cry, and I don't want him to cry."
Yamato went back to the window and gazed out of it. He turned his head as the apartment door opened. "Welcome back."
Ishida turned on the lights and saw what his son was drinking. "Yamato, what are you doing?"
"Getting drunk. What didja think?"
Ishida rubbed his forehead. "Why?"
"Told Taichi that I love him."
"I take from the fat lip, he didn't like your advances."
"Not at all. He hated my kiss." Yamato raised his can of beer. "Why don't ya join me? Drinkin' alone sucks."
"I think you've had far too many. You should go to bed." Ishida walked toward his son.
"I'm not a little kid. I'll go to bed when I wanna."
Ishida chuckled. "You certainly sound and act like one right now."
"I do NOT!" Yamato stood up quickly and wobbled.
Ishida caught his son as he collapsed.
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Yamato groaned in pain. The sunlight streaming in through the window was far too bright and his back was killing him. He tried to remember how he had fallen asleep sitting up, but only came up with the memory of drinking a lot and telling his dad about... "Oh, shit."
"You're awake." Ishida was at the stove, cooking eggs.
"Um, Dad?"
"Drag yourself to the table. I've got a few recipes for dealing with hangovers."
"R-right." Yamato nervously stood up from where he had slept in the corner. "Why did I sleep there?"
"After how much you drank, you have to sleep sitting up. Otherwise, you might drown on your vomit if you threw up."
"Okay." Yamato sat down at the table.
Ishida set a plate in front of his son. "Eggs and coffee, with a little additive. This will help you get through the morning."
"Um, Dad, about last night...." Yamato fidgeted.
"Don't worry about it." Ishida sighed. "You're not the first to find comfort in alcohol after having his heart shredded."
"But, Dad... the one I love is a guy."
"So?" Ishida crossed his arms. "True, I would've preferred that you liked girls, but it's your life. I've made too many mistakes before. I don't have the right to tell you what to do."
"But how did you know?" Yamato questioned.
Ishida shrugged. "Well, from how I've seen you deal with girls. Then there are those songs you wrote which mostly focus on Taichi. Then there was that camping trip last year-- while Taichi was moping about being away from Sora, you kept moping after him."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"It's none of my business. You're mature enough to make your own decisions."
"I... I don't know what to say."
Ishida smirked. "You don't have to say anything. Just eat your breakfast before it gets cold."
"Thanks."
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Yamato sighed as hot water streamed over his body from the shower. He had thought no one knew about him being gay. They all treated him like a normal person. He thought they would react to him like he was a leper or something. But his father, brother, and Hikari all knew and they hadn't changed how they had treated him.
Yamato thought they would treat him like Taichi had. That stolen kiss had occurred a few days ago now, and Taichi was avoiding him. That was why he had never told Taichi his feelings before. He valued their friendship, now it was over. As much as he wanted Taichi to fondle his cock, he would've preferred to remain friends than to have taken the chance and lost him entirely.
Just thinking about Taichi made his dick stiffen. How he wished that it was Taichi's hand grabbing it, and not his own. To stroke it with practiced ease, to make him harder.
Yamato went to his knees. His right hand increasing the pace he rubbed his manhood. He then pushed two fingers into his anal cavity, imagining at first that they were Taichi's fingers. Yamato then stretched his anus to allow a third finger in, and then thought about what it would be like if that was Taichi's cock instead.
He continued to thrust with his fingers into his ass as the tempo of the hand job increased to maddening proportions. He grunted wanting to savor the moment longer, but he couldn't stop it any longer. His cum shot out, landing briefly on the shower walls before the spray washed it away.
Yamato panted and sat down. He then punched the wall. "Why do I still do this to myself?! I know he wants nothing to do with me." He began to cry. "I've got to let him go. I've got to. It does neither of us any good to long for something I can never have."
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The fans cheer him on. The music began for the last song of the concert.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We're not ready yet, just look
If I'm right and we really get crushed
Then what's the point?
Well, if you want to I can't stop you
Just cause you're passionate about it
Doesn't make it right
Try being a little cooler
Cool off your head
There's a chance of winning
Any game
I'm all right on my own
I'll even walk the edge of a knife
I'm not trying to be tough
But I can't become enough of a kid
To be weak
I still can't find the data
But I'll try
Being myself
So just be cool
And don't lose to yourself
No matter what the rules
I'm sure you can break through
Possible, impossible
But if we're
The chosen children
Then we can do it
I have
A passionate heart, too
But I just can't
Use it as a shield
I'm all right on my own
I'll even walk the edge of a knife
I'll even walk the edge of a knife
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The concert came to a close. Yamato waved at the audience as he left the stage with the band.
The drummer twirled his sticks. "Man, you really put a lot of emotion out there today."
"What can I say?" Yamato shrugged. "Took a chance at love and lost."
"So that's where the flat lip came from." The back-up guitarist smirked. "The oh, so great Taichi didn't take well to you, huh?"
The keyboard player draped an arm over Yamato's shoulder. "Now that you know Taichi is really unavailable, how about coming to my place? Hmmm?"
Yamato knocked off the player's arm. "Sorry. I'm looking for a meaningful relationship."
"I can be meaningful."
"You've had three girlfriends and two boyfriends in the past two months. I would hardly call that meaningful. What I want is a love to last me until I die."
The keyboardist raised his arm dramatically. "Love is fleeting. Sex is for the eternal moment of orgasm. There is nothing more perfect than shooting your wad into someone."
"I believe that love can be forever and sex is only perfect if you're with that loved one."
"You don't know what you're missing."
"Man." The drummer looked really sick. "Ignorance is bliss; you guys do know that. I asked you before not to talk about that yaoi stuff in front of me."
"Sorry." Yamato forced a grin.
The keyboardist ignored the drummer. "I know this great gay bar. Perhaps you'll meet that 'love' of yours."
"So you can get me drunk? I don't think so. Besides, I'm trying to keep a clean image to help get us a recording contract."
The drummer threw up his arms and left with the back-up guitarist.
The keyboardist folded his arms. "They love a dirty image. It sets you apart and helps them sell our art."
"I don't think they'd take a risk on a fag image."
"Sure they would. Ever hear about that American band, the Village People?"
Yamato flattened his look. "They had kept that a secret."
"Oh, right. Well, if the recording companies don't like it, they'll bury it. So, what do you say about a night of fun?"
Yamato shook his head. "I'm not in the mood."
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Sometimes when walking down the street, you run into one of the last people you ever wanted to see. At one time we were very good friends, comrades-in-arms, but by now she knows I'm in love with her boyfriend. I've gotten used to being around her and hiding my jealousy, but how is she going to react to me?
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"Hi, Yamato. How are you?" Sora asked nervously.
"Fine, you?"
"Um, good." Sora twiddled her fingers. "Has Taichi talked to since...."
Yamato shook his head. "Haven't seen him all week."
"I see." Sora's hands fidgeted. "Are... are you going to go after Taichi?"
"No. He's not like me. I'd only hurt all of us if I tried."
Sora looked relieved. "Good. Yamato, I know I'm probably the last person you'd want to talk to now but... if you need to talk, I'll be there for you."
Yamato's eyes widened "You're still willing to do that even though-"
Sora interrupted. "Yes. You're my friend, we're all your friends-- even Taichi. Just because you're... a little different doesn't change anything."
Yamato smirked. "What if Taichi liked me more?"
Sora looked perturbed. "Then I would have to prove he belongs with me."
"I wouldn't exactly be a friend then, would I?"
"I'm not sure. I'd hoped it would be a friendly rivalry."
"Takeru and Daisuke had a friendly rivalry. Daisuke still beat the shit out of him."
Sora sweat-dropped. "I wouldn't have done that, and I'm sure you wouldn't either."
"In case you haven't noticed, I have done that to Taichi on a few occasions."
Sora blinked and thought over a few instances in a different light. "Right. Well, I'm still willing to help you in any way I can."
"You're not going to try to set me up with a girl, are you?"
Sora shook her head. "Why would I do that? Though if I come across a guy who's like you, I might introduce you."
Yamato laughed. "I appreciate the thought."
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"Yamato," Taichi called out simply.
Yamato looked up in surprise. "Rehearsals just ended."
"I know. I waited for your band to leave."
"Why are you here?"
Taichi sighed. "I have a few things I need to say to you."
Yamato bowed his head. "Go ahead."
Taichi shut his eyes. "I... I'm sorry."
Yamato blinked a few times. "You're sorry?"
Taichi nodded. "Yeah. Sorry about what I did before."
"Challenging me or punching me?"
Taichi scratched the back of his head. "Sort of both."
Yamato folded his arms. "Someone is making you say that."
Taichi looked confused. "What do you mean?"
"I serious doubt you would apologize for that. You'd rather forget it happened and put it behind you."
Taichi folded his arms. "No one can make me do anything."
Yamato glared. "I'm sure. Try telling me what you really want to say."
"Fine. I'm not sorry about challenging you. You shouldn't bottle up your feelings. I over reacted to your kiss, but I had never thought that you were gay. You had surprised me and I couldn't think, I just reacted."
"So, who made you apologize-- Sora, Hikari and/or Takeru?"
Taichi nodded. "All of them and Koushiro."
"Koushiro knows too?" Yamato questioned.
"Yep."
"When?"
"He only knew when I told him what happened. He suspected it, though."
Yamato gave out a little laugh. "Who else knows? Everyone?"
"I don't think Iori or Daisuke knows. Miyako might know if Hikari told her. Sora found out from Mimi that Joe and her already knew about it."
"Some secret I've been keeping. Here I thought only my band knew about it, and yet everybody does and don't care."
"I didn't know."
"You were always a little thick-headed."
"Hey!" Taichi snapped.
Yamato smirked. "But I love you anyway."
Taichi looked sick. "Please don't remind me. I value our friendship, but that's all it can every be."
"So you want to be just friends."
"Right." Taichi nodded.
"You know it's the girls who're suppose to give the 'let's be friends' talk to their ex-boyfriends."
"Yeah, and the closest one to being a girl is you, and you want more than friendship."
Yamato sighed. "Yeah, I want more. I've been wanting that for a long time. I know it'll never become anything more, but I can't stop wanting it."
"But, Yamato, even if I wasn't with Sora, I'd never be with you. I just don't swing that way."
"I understand."
"Come on, man. Cheer up. You'll find someone eventually. Hopefully it'll be a girl."
Yamato shook his head. "Taichi, it won't be. While you can't accept the idea of being with a guy, I can't even imagine what it would be like being with a girl. The times I tried grossed me out. I just can't do that."
"But it's not natural."
"It's not natural for you. It feels perfectly naturally to me."
Taichi made an incoherent sound. "Yamato, I won't ask about what you do with guys, so please don't tell me."
Yamato chuckled. "As long as you do the same for me."
"Deal. Friends?" Taichi held out his hand.
Yamato shook hands. "Friends."
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Life sometimes surprises you. I came out of the closet and found most of my friends already knew and didn't really care. I wouldn't say they were supportive, but they didn't reject me either. I can't thank them enough for that. I want to be their friend, but I don't want to be their 'special' friend. I just want to be one of them.
Taichi is still uncomfortable around me. I don't blame him. I still love him and it won't go away overnight. I've been trying to give up on him for four years, but my feelings never changed. At least I'm not fickle.
I guess someone told Mom about me. Dad explained one of Mom's quirks is to write out her frustrations through editorials. Her latest one was on homosexuals. He reads her articles regularly. That was how he found out about Takeru and Hikari. I guess I should read Mom's editorials more since they'd help me understand her more.
The lone wolf is still alone, but the pack will still accept me. I wonder if I'll ever meet a special someone who I can love and will love me back. I want to write a happy love song for once.
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Author's Notes:
The song was:
Walk On the Edge
~Ishida Yamato's Theme~
Kazama Yuuto
Taken from Megchan's web page, http://www.megchan.com/digimon/
Most of my lemons can be found at http://www.mich.com/~archive/anime
The majority of my Ranma ficts as well as a few ficts from other series like The Slayers can be found at http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Fuji/9061/anime.html